loveliest of the lovelies

how can i begin to describe my life at this point? its the oddest thing ever, but the loveliest thing ever.

i was so blessed to witness my twin sister and the love of her life, jorge luis, say "i do" on the 15th of December. it absolutely was hands down the most beautiful wedding. (yis, i realise i'm a little biased, but seriously it was amazing) the way our family came together, the many speeches given to jorge and krystal, the love that exists between jorge and krystal......i mean, we didn't have to fudge anything. its simply amazing that 2 people from different parts of the world were united in marriage, and that the prayers of jorge's parents, as well as the prayers of my parents, in the solace of their hearts, was heard and as britt would say, "pierced the ears of God". jorge's mother passed away about 6 years ago, and was not able to be at the wedding, but she had always told him she knows that there will be someone very special for him. i imagine it of course was bittersweet for him, but noone deserves it more. jorge is the most humble person i have met, and when i first met him at the airport on the 6th of December he looked at me as if to say "it's only me!". how little did he know that he holds such an important role in my life now, and that i am forever grateful to him for constantly showing my twin the love and affection she is given by him. jorge treats krystal like gold, they just fit together. she's crazy, he's crazy at times, and yet they both are focused and driven to know God more, as they realise that nothing can truly satisfy completely in this world apart from that-not even their own love they have for each other.

so i cried a lot at the reception and a bit at the wedding. they always say the speeches are where it all comes out--well, whoever said that was right! it's very true, and i wouldn't take back the tears. i truly feel so priveleged to cry; to show my twin and jorge how deep my emotions and feelings are towards them, towards their love and devotion. krystal waited for the right person to cross her path, and jorge waited as well. both are blessed beyond description right now with one another, and they would be the first ones to praise God for answering their heart's cry. how lovely it is to know the one who creates and orchestrates these life events. truly amazing.

there is so much to say, but words at this point aren't going to come close to describing how God has been working, not just in krystal and jorge's lives, but in my life. i'm so privileged to be witness to their love, and also to see my younger sister happier than ever with someone she loves as well. it's a beautiful thing, and its lovely to see the innocence and purity that still does exist in this world, that is so special and treasured to some. the media, celebrities, friends, can often times pressure us to be, look, act a certain way-often times to be honest-it involves flirting just to get attention, dating just to feel loved, etc. how lovely it is to know that God wants so much more for us-let us not settle for believing that we are worth nothing if we don't have a man by our side in this moment in time. how great and lovely it is to know that God's looking at us, and is telling us to trust Him, and to keep loving others along the way. after seeing both of my sister's love stories, as well as other family members, including my parents who are still married after 26 years; i'm blessed to be surrounded by witnesses of how marriage and life should look, how love should last, how it's not about winning the fight, but how its about being humble and admitting when you are wrong.

so i've got this whole new look on love--and its lovely! its the loveliest of the lovelies. and something that is the loveliest of the lovelies is surely from God.

confusion;hurt;lonely;striving;tears

striving to love; i learn i'm vain,
giving to you, and then the sunflower fades.
the petals, forever were never that nice.

you sucked me in, now i'm hurting
you sucked me down, now i'm crying,
and all i was doing was striving to love you.

when i'm trodding on life's narrow road,
the breeze is so deafening, as it cries out a groan
"are you prettier", "are you happier" " are you lovelier than she"
if the answers are no, start again, then proceed
when will this battle be won in my head?
when i'm beautiful, when i'm confident, when i've a ring on my hand?


feel the pressure, as i'm striving, as i'm striving to love.
why am i striving, striving, striving to love?


i'm loving you, only so i'll love me.

the inner peace

God has been showing me so much in london its amazing. more on that a bit later.

there's this eerie thought that keeps coming back to my mind. on a human level, we're all such great pretenders in the everyday. and the thought that "there is so much more going on than we even know about" has rung true lately, and is a bit intense.

recently, i've had such a burden to just break free of the fakeness that we exhibit as humans when we interact with one another. i feel opressed at times when there is a pressure to say the funniest thing, or be amazing. sometime you need to just BE; yet, that is often associated at times as boring; lifeless. but i feel to the contrary that being in other's presence and interacting when the moment calls for it, is rarely done. i guess, sometimes life consists too much of the inbetween banter and chat that is of no relevance or importance in my life. my dilemma partially is the need to still want to relate to others who have different values, a different sense of what relating to a friend is, a different sense of fun. in london we are face to face with these differences and it can be lonely and isolating at times and tiring to attempt to break every barrier.

i feel so strongly that my deepest desires and wishes in a friendship are only met by a certain few here, even one or two i could say. i'm thankful for it, but it also partially saddens me that we are so disconnected from really having meaningful, honest, conversations. instead, there is halfhearted, joking, flirting, selfish conversations that in the end are of little use to us after the night is over. i've felt this throughout life, but i suppose its screeched back into my realm of thinking again.

yesterday i felt so extremely blessed to be more apart of a church i'm going to, and more connected to some amazing people. i felt that i can see a bit of why i'm in london more, on a relational level, as i've been able to be blessed and to bless others that have been here; some during hard times and others during okay times. i'm seeing more the need to remember the beauty in life; despite our feelings; despite the circumstance.

i'm a human being whos pressing on, remembering that the Lord my God is to be glorified by all I do as I'm ever grateful to be so blessed, and to be set free.

so --to be set free--quite interesting eh? well, its a long topic but, i've really been molded and shaped by the Lord so much lately in regards to this "being set free". i've actually had a big breakthrough recently and was praying for a few weeks that God would just set me free of something, and i have such a peace now and assurance in this situation. but the trouble is that, we won't be completely whole in this world, as we are not perfect. but, we need to remember that God wants us to be more free than we could ever envision ourselves at times.

i'm thankful for new starts. i'm thankful that feelings that are horrible don't mean we are at all, or that God is. i'm thankful that the Lord is good and is faithful to us, and is there for us at ALL times.

i guess i'm just being a human; recognising that my failings and shortcomings are of importance to others in some way as i believe they happen for a reason. i also am grateful that God has changed my mindset on many things in the last year; and that i'm more equipped now to love.

neat;)

much love to you all from london*
amber

hmmmm

I just read Pastor jerry's E-Musings for the first time today.........very amazing. please check them out at www.jerrygillis.com. And no, he didn't tell me to do that!


so i'm reading cs lewis's auto-bio(as he says, but its sort of not as we know cs goes on tangents). its called "surprised by joy" and the title intrigued me first, well, i guess CS intrigued me first then the title, as we all know cs is great. So me and C-S have a lot in common.

a few commonolaties from his bio:

-He felt england to be cold upon arrival and very harsh feeling;
-He often will think of a memory of a memory but realises that he isn't desiring what is in the memory in terms of the tangible items; ...for example, today i was listening to bing crosby's "white christmas".......(yis, i'm crazy)! , and i didn't want the christmas tree, or the snow, but simply the mere longing for the memory i have associated with past christmas's which i realise can't be duplicated, therefore, i settle for longing for the memory/JOY again.........
-He realises that feelings of pure dissatisfaction allowed him to realise things about life; one being not to trust and put emphasis and meaning to his feelings for then you may end up living in that depression way too long.

So, there is more, but its a real great start to the book, as i didn't know much about C-S's bio before.

so i went to the notting hill festival today and; to give you an idea--my friend and i wanted to leave after about 2 hours as we felt we'd seen it all (food, beer, LOUD caribeean/jamaican music,).....oh, and after inhaling all the weed that was around us, we ended up not ebing able to get to the tube station until about 1 hour and a half after wanting to leave as most tubes were closed----and to top it all off, a jamaican man grabbed me ina crowd and started to grind on me. i think i'm scarred for life from that.........yuk yuk yuk.

well i'm trying to find more meaning in this london; trying to feel more at home, though realising i may never feel more at home.....


will keep you all posted,
love ambs

more combobulations or distractions

So i'm back in the old london. yis, it's quite surreal again, but its much different in a way so far. to start, it was i believe even harder for me in many ways, but also easier in others. i don't feel like going through it all though right now actually!

so what i will say is that it was hard to come back for sure. my job however, has been amazingly OKAY this week and i have such a better perspective on it. I also think its because I have learned not to get stressed out over the little stuff.

so i'm feeling more happy lately, and its all so nice, and its all a blessing i'd say. sometimes we can go through things, and not even realise the state we are in until we see the sunrise afterwards, and then we quickly run towards it not wanting it end.

i miss my family and friends quite a bit, and its quite hard to really have london feel like home for that reason. the other part is i need to make new memories with those i feel really truly apart of in some way, that's very important to me. and then i'll begin to see the scenery in london, and see my memories laid out before me, and then i will smile. hope those days come soon. (don't worry about me, i'll be fine.)

so i'm excited about some new adventures to come, and eager to see God use me more at my workplace --you wouldn't believe how much the job i have is utterly hard, but yet utterly rewarding in many moments. its quite extreme like that. i guess its what you make it, really. i really try to impact others in certain ways even if we can't do anything for them. sometimes its just about that extra time or the intensity of your eyes that express you care.

i tend to think those that have helped me the most in life have just let me be in a moment, and live in that. but who also will express with their eyes perhaps, not even their words, their desire for me to want/do/have/achieve better/more.

i didn't expect this post to be so vague...apologies!

bye my loves for now. chat soon i will!

living amidst the pain

So, the title sums up a lot of what has been told to me recently by friends, as well as what i suppose my little heart has been feeling. yes, i did just say little heart. i'm cold as ice.;)

basically, today was very good, very reminiscent of the past. i guess i've learned today a few things. number one- that things change. wow, i'm so profound! let me explain a little without getting too revealing here, as i like to leave a bit of ambiguity because that's how i am. i've always been told, and at times have felt, that it isn't possible to be friends with guys once you are in a relationship with someone, and by friends, i mean, have meaningful intelligent conversations and hang out occasionally. however, i know that now i have at least 2 friends who are boys who i will hopefully always remain friends with, and who can be incorporated into my future life, and i into theirs.

one of my friends, i haven't seen him since before leaving for london. things have really started to change a lot in his life, in a lot of areas, and he also is now in love with a gurl who i had the privelege of meeting tonight as well. i guess i'm sharing this partly because i care deeply for this boy, as a friend, and he for me as well. i'd like to really believe that we'll be able to hang out, laugh and cry, as we used to but part of me knows and realises it will always be different. yet, his girlfriend amazingly is able to accept that i am his best friend who is a gurl, and that even if we don't talk that much during the course of the year, when i am back in buffalo, catching up would be lovely and a good thing to do. what an amazing person? sometimes i wonder if i'd be able to let another gurl hang out with my man! but, i suppose part of it is in the nature of the gurl, and in the boy himself. this friend of mine is very genuine and real, and he wanted me to meet his girlfriend and her to meet me because we were both so important to him. i guess i just felt partly that jealousy and insecurity were not present in this situation which was amazing, and i felt so loved, yet at the same time, my friend was completely honoring and treating his girlfriend with such dignity and love.
\so, even as our hearts are saddened after a break up, it's actually been a much more substantial sadness for me to think that despite these lovely meetings with this first friend, things will be different. i've been told by him that we were like the two little kids playing in the sandbox when we were little, who grew up together(even though i met him when i was about 21!), who were always meant to be friends. and he even made it a point that this would be how it would be even after we got married. i always kinda took that and thought, "ya, nice thought, but prolly not going to keep in touch after we're married....." but, after tonight, there is that hope that yes, with hearts that are full of the right love for our friends, and after accepting that you will need to now incorporate both your old friend as well as their new partner, then yes, you are able to remain apart of the picture. so yes, things will be different, we won't be hanging out every night together until 1 or 2am like the olden days, but that's okay. we won't be phoning each other every week to see how the other is doing--but, we won't lose touch, and i will be there when he gets married, and i will want to see how things are going and chill, and go on group dates as well. (as soon as i marry an englishman,...haha) so i'm older now, and i know that relationships change, and that most guy-gurl friendships either result in one of the individuals liking the other, dating, or flirting, or a break up. however, i'm glad to know that some of them may go through a few of those stages, but that in the end, i've managed to walk away with 2 solid christian guy friends who are able to be incorporated into my life in the future i believe, and that makes me smile. if you're wondering who the 2 boys are you're not going to get any closer to knowing after reading this blog, sorry about that, but i think if the reader knew it wouldn't be as fun anyways.

part of the fun of life is to always wonder what the other is thinking; to ponder the mystery of things. i'm definitely not as mysterious as i used to be, but i always hold onto what i can.

so, my twin sister is getting married, yes, in december. she's completely in love, and he as well. they're really great for each other, though i haven't seen him yet, and i never thought my twin would be engaged without that happening, but that shows you how life can just pass you by sometimes. i felt really guilty at first actually when i was in london-because i was missing the lives of those i loved and cared for, family and friends. i've learned though to make the most of the times i do have with them, and to remember that there are seasons in life, and i believe this season in my life i am to be in london. still not sure if i'll stay past december, as i know that the job i'm doing in london--is not only physically draining, but emotionaly draining. its gotten to the point that i'm recovering during the weekends, instead of enjoying the weekends in london. so, i'm going to go back with a refreshed mindset i feel, which will help a lot.

so to end,since i'm very tired after a long day and its close to 2:30am, i'm really in love with where i live in good old north tonawanda. i'd never thought i'd say that before i left for london, as i was darn right tired of it at that point!:) not to say i hate london because i don't, but i'm not a big city gurl, and yet i'm able to deal with living in london for this season of my life. and, yes, you can never say never i guess, but more than likely, i won't end up living in a big city long term.
one of the number one questions people ask me, is do i travel while in england. have i been to spain, france, germany, switzerland. so, if you wanted to ask me that too; i'll answer it! i've been to wales, and nowhere else except a few cities outside of london. i do want to travel one day, however, i want to go at the right time and with the right people/person, and i don't feel i will travel really for the rest of this year at least, and probably not for another year. most people i know will go to places, and i even had a friend from australia who would travel by herself. i don't enjoy looking at things unless i have someone to look with me. part of the thrill of traveling is to share the experience for me, with someone else. to make a memory while traveling. to both be amazed and to look at the other person's reaction to different sites. i'm all about that. so, until i feel that peace and have the right perhaps, person, to go with, i'll be in central london, perhaps covent garden area, having a good time in the mean time.

i think i'm starting to ramble. i must be tired. ;) this post is pretty confusing, and i think i didn't accurately discuss the title of the post, but another time.

( at least i updated my blog, as i've been told to do!;) )


God bless my lovely friends, amber