the inner peace

God has been showing me so much in london its amazing. more on that a bit later.

there's this eerie thought that keeps coming back to my mind. on a human level, we're all such great pretenders in the everyday. and the thought that "there is so much more going on than we even know about" has rung true lately, and is a bit intense.

recently, i've had such a burden to just break free of the fakeness that we exhibit as humans when we interact with one another. i feel opressed at times when there is a pressure to say the funniest thing, or be amazing. sometime you need to just BE; yet, that is often associated at times as boring; lifeless. but i feel to the contrary that being in other's presence and interacting when the moment calls for it, is rarely done. i guess, sometimes life consists too much of the inbetween banter and chat that is of no relevance or importance in my life. my dilemma partially is the need to still want to relate to others who have different values, a different sense of what relating to a friend is, a different sense of fun. in london we are face to face with these differences and it can be lonely and isolating at times and tiring to attempt to break every barrier.

i feel so strongly that my deepest desires and wishes in a friendship are only met by a certain few here, even one or two i could say. i'm thankful for it, but it also partially saddens me that we are so disconnected from really having meaningful, honest, conversations. instead, there is halfhearted, joking, flirting, selfish conversations that in the end are of little use to us after the night is over. i've felt this throughout life, but i suppose its screeched back into my realm of thinking again.

yesterday i felt so extremely blessed to be more apart of a church i'm going to, and more connected to some amazing people. i felt that i can see a bit of why i'm in london more, on a relational level, as i've been able to be blessed and to bless others that have been here; some during hard times and others during okay times. i'm seeing more the need to remember the beauty in life; despite our feelings; despite the circumstance.

i'm a human being whos pressing on, remembering that the Lord my God is to be glorified by all I do as I'm ever grateful to be so blessed, and to be set free.

so --to be set free--quite interesting eh? well, its a long topic but, i've really been molded and shaped by the Lord so much lately in regards to this "being set free". i've actually had a big breakthrough recently and was praying for a few weeks that God would just set me free of something, and i have such a peace now and assurance in this situation. but the trouble is that, we won't be completely whole in this world, as we are not perfect. but, we need to remember that God wants us to be more free than we could ever envision ourselves at times.

i'm thankful for new starts. i'm thankful that feelings that are horrible don't mean we are at all, or that God is. i'm thankful that the Lord is good and is faithful to us, and is there for us at ALL times.

i guess i'm just being a human; recognising that my failings and shortcomings are of importance to others in some way as i believe they happen for a reason. i also am grateful that God has changed my mindset on many things in the last year; and that i'm more equipped now to love.

neat;)

much love to you all from london*
amber