sweetness, fear, and hilarity

so i'm really in transition. ! (more to be said if you know me....)

so i found this really good christian band .......leeland. they have very worshipful/truthful/brilliant lyrics. i'm going to give my housemates each a burned copy of this(ooooh....i'm a sinner!) check them out.

so i came home for christmas. i'm home now. its been good, very good to say the least. yet, i know i must go back to london and live out what God has for me there. it is still in transition in many ways.

can i just randomly say i love my family. ok, thanks. i love my family! i'm so blessed by them. i believe and know God blesses each person in many different ways. i'm thankful that i'm blessed in the way of a tight knit family. we've gotten so much closer over the last year or so. lovely.

so at spot coffee tonite, after our family partay, my sisters and my lovely and beautious cousing charissa went out. we were having some good talks, and sarcastic jokes along the way, when all of a sudden we realised that the couple next to us that was talking(a boy and girl) had quite the predicament going on. this one dude came up my cuz said, and stood behind them, and stared at the gurl and said, " are you ready to go, let's go...you done with your internet date?" "did you meet this guy online?" the gurl, replied "i'm not ready....and maybe i did meet him online". well...........there were words exchanged, and it was very busy tonite at spot, but i got this feeling, and glimpse of something more than just a heated and unusual situation. i could talk forever about people, and how crazy it is the way they act sometimes. but, i was struck more by the fact that i couldn't even imagine a life that would mirror what just happened,......its like we get these glimpses into the lives of others. we see control at its high point, we see insecurity, we see foolishness ..........it just amazed me how silly the whole situation was, and it makes me want to just relax, and chill...and trust God with my life.....instead of trusting myself, and my own efforts. that boy ended up chasing after this gurl as she walked away from her online date. it also makes you realise the cliche.....that yuo can't make someone love you. as hard asyou try. in fact, often the act of forcing or controlling pushes others much farther away. but i suppose we all realise others problems ahead of our own. ironic!

so i hope you enjoyed that twist of events ! it was quite the surreal life to me, as i was watching!

goodness. well a few more interesting things about london before i leave:


-tubes: you can't live with them, can't live without em in london. mid decenmber, it was sad because 2 individuals near my home in london jumped in front of the tube(both different locations), ending their own lives. the one time i was on a tube headed back to my home, and the tube was suspended(not running anymore) due to "someone being under the track at ....." which basically means..they're dead! they have to obviously clean up the body/etc etc. im still fascinated by suicide. it strikes that eerie chord.


- it isn't always rainy! im' so tired of hearing that its always misty or rainy. whatever. its not that bad. it does get light though around 7:30 and dark around 3:30/4pm. but i'm used to it by now, and don't mindit! it is also more sunny than most think it would be in london. or so i've observed so far.

-london is soo fashionable......and yis, this is true. however, you can still get away with dressing down which i was told you couldn't. naturally though, and not even really consciously, i'm just adapting myself to my environment, as i am dressing more proper, and lady-like. i'm slowly growing out of the emo fad........haha.....i was really more artsy for awhile, and i'd still like to continue that......i just am more properly artsy if that makes sense. watch out...it'll be the new trend.

;)

-london in general it seems doesn't do christmas up like i thought. next year i'd like to spend christmas perhaps(or a few days following up to it!) in a city outside of london where there are cobblestone streets, horse drawn carriages and snow! there are these places in england, and someone mentioned to me about one. its definitely gorgeous!


i'm tired..................long day...............

thanks jesus..........keep trusting Him y'all. my life is so uncertain, yet its so certain with Jesus in my life. i'm thankful that He has made me oh so new, and given me oh so much, when i'm so undeserving.

;)

much love to you all, and happy new year!

amber

i have arrived.

so i've made it. i'm here. in england. its all quite surreal, still. and i'm 2 weeks in.

part of the reason i'm keeping a blog is for a selfish reason...for myself. haha. its kinda cool to see your progress as a person over time, and sometimes i honestly forget how far i've come. right now in life i feel like in some ways i'm 100 steps ahead, and in other areas, as though i'm only a child, learning how to walk. its scary, this world. let me explain, without getting too revealing!


present realities; i'm realizing more and more how unready i am to jump into relationships with others in general, not just romantically. when you leave home, everything is magnified 100 times it seems, especially when you are in a different culture altogether. its like u feel as though ur just coming to grips with all of the ghosts you've kept in your closet, so to speak. i also feel right now that my typing is definitely different than how i would say this if i was actually having a conversation with someone about this, but anyways!

i'm definitely adjusting slowly, and not as quick as i'd hoped. i honestly realised(english spelling!), that this is how i deal with change: I don't deal with it, until it is actually happening. How lovely to know this now. haha. Case and point. I was leaving for england on the 11th of november, and it only hit me that i was leaving really the day of. yis i had been talking about it, and yis i was excited for a new adventure, and yis, God wants me here now. but, the hardest part about leaving, was leaving my home....which is my family. i've grown so close to my family in the past few months as a result of many of my life events, that its almost incredible. i'm so thankful for that. my family has seen the worst parts of me, and they still love me and that feels amazing. it reminds me so much of how God is with us. gosh darn, i don't deserve it. okay, where was i.......ya, so i left my comforts of home. i honestly can say that i'm living much more in poverty now than i ever have. and by that i mean that: the house i live in has a mouse, and my room is just big enough for my bed, and the carpet looks like it hasn't been replaced since they invented carpet. but, nevertheless, i'm living in an old english "house"....if you want to call it a house. haha. but, what i'm trying to say is life is hard. i have no job yet in social work, i've went on 2 interviews so far, and maybe i'll find out this coming week if i will get the one position, ......i'm making new friends here while not remembering how i ever made friends in teh first place. i find it again much easier to make friends with guys, which i know is not what i ultimately want, because i definitely know i'll need close gurls here to help me in this part of my life.

things are also changing in other areas of my life, too many to count, but i feel a bit stagnant yet overwhelmed all at once. sundays are always hard as well....as it is a family day back home.

so im' 24, wanting to be back in elementary school, wanting to still play oustide late in the summertime, and not have a care in the world, while at the same time, i want to feel more grown up and independent...as i make my parents proud.


this blog is a combobulation if i ever knew one. i'll write more when i've got things under control and figured out in my lil head.

enjoy.

my prayer: God, please guide me during this time of complete transition. i want to feel Your guidance and love, and allow me to spread the love u have given me with those u place in my path each day.

cheers,
amber

on the road again...

so i'lll be leaving saturday. craziness. i'm surprised how calm i am now. its unreal. i hope i'm always this calm in england. that would be wonderful.


i will be studying a ton for my interviews for awhile, and then going on an interview soon. it was good to see all of my friends before i left. i feel real closure in leaving buffalo. its like the perfect time to leave. i got to also see my aunt's at breakfast today, and they were so encouraging and excited to see me venture out. all of the chapter's here are closing, but i know new one's will be opening in england. i have so much to learn, and i'm so naive to many things, that i know i will come back changed. and that's exciting as well as scary.

i will speak next....when i am in england!!!!!!!!!!!

if anyone wants to be on my list serv while i am in england and receive my pix's and thoughts every now and again, please let me know your email


ciao

amber

bad day.......yet, intriguing movie.

so..........its not that today was "bad". its just one of those days with ugly feelings attached. the weather, i worked...it was kinda "blah" at work, my mood is 'eh', and then i get an email from one of the individuals who is helping me to set up interviews in england. and shes telling me i may want to move out of london....and interview, that this is probably a good option. well, i guess i'm just fighting my own desires about that one. i mean, in the end, if its not meant to be, .....ya. i'll be praying tonight and seeking God about this. i've just had my heart set on living IN london. but, i know, this may not be the option God wants for me. and, of course I want what God wants, because that's what is best in the end.

the real reason i felt inspired to write something new in this here blog(which is my only connection now to the online world, i.e. i no longer have facebook account!)......is that i was watching 20/20 tonite, (yes, i watch that!), and i was completely fascinated and intrigued by a new documentary that is about to come out next friday i believe. it is called "the bridge", and will only be played at select locations, which probably means the south campus dipson theatre only. anyways........its about the suicides that take place every year at the san francisco golden gate bridge. every year, due to the easy accessibility, as one factor, individuals see this as an easy way out, since they will die most likely in 4 seconds. i say most likely because, there are FEW that survive, and it depends on the way they hit the water mostly....if they go head first they will die for sure, but if perhaps they land with their feet, and are vertical,......well, then they MAY have a chance.....may. i'm not a good storyteller. let me continue. this film, again, "the bridge" is VERY controversial. in the yaer 2004, from january 2004-dec 2004, cameras were rollling non-stop. however, the police, authorities in the area, etc were not notified that the cameras were filming for a documentary film. the reason for this being that if others knew this was taking place, it could create an atmosphere of increased suicides...which makes complete sense to me. the creator behind the film, eric steel, seems very intellectual, and is seeking to bring a new discussion of suicide to the table, as well as to emphasize, in a raw, and honest way, that something needs to be done to secure this bridge more so that people are unable to commit suicide. during the year 2004, he captured 23 of the 24 suicides. this film is very controversial, and has received a lot of negative press.

yes, this documentary shows them as well, but it also shows six of the families, and interviews them, often as a way to understand why these suicides may have happened. its absolutely chilling to me. tonite, they showed clips and some of the stories of those that committed suicide. they were so casual. so nonchalent from a distance,.....all different ages, looks, etc....

the camera crew however were first humanitarians......and second, camera operators....they would call the bridge security if they saw anyone who looked as though they were going to commit suicide. they notified them right away. bridge security are on bikes, so that they will be able to reach an individual faster as well, just to note. they were able to save 6 lives during the course of the year. again, 23 unfortunately were captured jumping.

hearing some of the stories already behind the jumps is remarkable. words fall short in this post, unfortunately, because the images that were seen had a million different ideas to me behind it.......to see a man who was pacing back and forth, with long hair.......casually observing the view, as most tourists do, and then after a long period of time, just standing up and falling backwards into death....................(no words)


these are the people i want to help. these are the ones that we are called to reach out to. i am excited to see this documentary, not just because i think its interesting, but because i long to help and understand those who are at extreme despair. i desire to guide them to light.......even if just to see the possibility that light does exist amidst so much darkness. this sounds corny...............but again, words are falling short i suppose.

i will end by encouraging y'all to see this documentary. (which will be at the south campus theatre i'm assuming by next friday) and to say that sometimes the thing that was intended to connect( the san francisco golden gate bridge), does the exact opposite......

musical inspirationssss as of recent.

ok. besides music, i absolutely loveeeeeeee fall. it is so symbolic to me in so many ways, but more than that it's a time of good memories from the past, and new one's to come. i love the ambience of it, --the leaves, apple pie(now the raw food apple pie crust!), hot apple cider smell, jumping in the leaves....pumpkins, hayrides,......don't get me started. not to mention i love fall fashions. but the previous is a not a reason for me writing this post.

i actually have tons of time to write,since i work a lot in a group home, with 2 older men who basically like to relax a lot and do their own thing at times.....which creates time for me to write! for example, i'm working right now, yet i have the rest of the night to relax really.....pretty nice job overall :)

anyways.....i wanted to share with those of you who read this, which perhaps is only one or two...haha...that jeff buckley is absolutely brilliant, as they would say in england! oh my. i'm serious. his songs have struck such a beautiful chord in my life. they are beautifully done, as well as lyrically inspiring, despite their undertone of negative influence(i.e. relationship difficulties, breakups, etc.) it is amazing to me how i was in such a musical dry spell, and then i find him!
also...i got hillsong london's new cd, and dvd.....they have such amazing worship songs. I like the song "lord of all" a lot......and "jesus is". they really sound more like a band in most of their songs, as opposed to sounding very worshipy...if that is a word. :) i reccommend their album as well!
and. finally, i got a cd by a band name "fair"......"the best and worst case scenario" is the album name. i must say, they are rock/poppy/melodic(and that's the best i get with describing genres...i suck at it!)..but they are really beautiful sounding, especially their choruses.....very good melodic tones. its really pretty and fun. i like them for different, fun moods :)

music is great. and imogen heap is also great. i downloaded some of her stuff recently.....and i like like. i've been a big fan of frou frou....and now i like her(she's the gurl infrou frou).



conclusion: i'm experiencing life newly, with my music and new positive outlook and eating habits, and i feel wonderful. i am ready and excited to go to london. i got my registration in the mail yesterday, and i am able to work their for up to 3 years. we will see how long i do!;) ahh.......life is fun when it's mysterious sometimes. i need to remember that always:)


ciao my peeps....Jesus is great.

amber

combobulationof thoughts.

so i was watching oprah the other day, and it was a repeat. bummer, but i hadn't seen the whole thing last time. the guy who checked in two of the terrorists (2 who were going to hijack the plane into the 2nd(i believe)world trade center tower). he had been working as an airport security guard for quite some time. he said tho he never saw a man with such hate and emptiness in his eyes before. he said he got a chill when he talked to him. he was so cold and empty. and hateful looking amidst it all. this man knew that the security guard had his boarding passes, and could give them to him. however, they had a stare down, and the security guard made the two men go through one more security check, despite the fact that they answered all of the "security questions" appropriately. and then....


they were checked out by a gurl. a younger gurl. she let them on. but what was shocking is that i never knew this...but afterwards.....after the planes crashed in the world trade center, after all hell broke loose, and then after it all settled inour hearts, this young gurl felt so guilty and horrible that she took her own life soon after 9/11. now, this security guard on oprah is living with the guilt of knowing that he put these men through another check, and the security guard who let them through committed suicide as a result.

noone should be blamed in this situation but those 2 men. its just amazing to me. the mindset. i'm fascinated in an intriguing, yet terribly disgusted and intolerable way at how their hate would cause them to not only kill others, but to also kill themselves and render their bodies and minds tosuch a scary, horrible, and torturous death.


but.....the security man who was on the show was talking about how the one guy,not the one who looked so empty and hateful, but the other one.....how this man was different in that he waslaughing, smirking, joking......it was the inference of the security guard that he may havenot known he was going to DIE that day.


this has been looked into, and it is speculation actually. It is considered a possibility that some of the men knew that they would hijack the plane, but not lose their lives. they may have been told thatthey would go and land somewhere perhaps, and demand things, or kill individuals perhaps, but not lose their own lives. can u imagine that as well? the betrayal of the men who actually KNEW what was going to happen. it was almost like they were more "spiritual", more "muslim" and they decided that they would not share their "elite knowledge" with the others, but instead CONTROL the situation by being silent and then in fact betraying their "close companions",....or perhaps to them.....they were doing what was BEST for them. killing. murder. terrorizing. its all so much like a movie to me.

i mean, do we really get it? i don't think we will. ever. on this earth. how can you? you can't fully grasp feelings that have never arisen inside of you to that degree before. we can't ever really grasp that there are terrorists. we can grasp the events to a certain extent, but not the emotions and feelings behind them. i tried. its too overwhelming. because then we try to find out WHY.


i'm kinda sick of social work inthat respect. let me explain. in social work, if i'm counseling someone who is abusing someone, lets say physically. well, then its because they were either sexually or physically abused when they were younger, and/or their parents were physically abusive to one another. there is always a justification. you can always find something wrong inour past that isn't right. but i am beyond the point of believing that what someone else did to me, or what happened to me, willshape my future to such a negative degree. its like everything is because of something else and we don't really have too much choice anymore. we have so much choice. more than we ever realize. sure, our feelings maynot always coincide, but we have choices that can be made to diminish those as well.

anyways. getting back to oprah's show.....i am still shocked at the world. i'm still amazed by the evil. i willnever fully understand the evil and hatred,but just to realize how absolutely ridiculous it is..........allows me to realize more that there is a greater evil, that I know to be the devil who is behind this movement everyday. placing thoughts into our minds and creating situations that will test us. now, i'm not a terrorist, but i still experience negative thoughts. we all do. God is stronger, so much stronger.

on that note,i have much more to say...but i had a brain lapse. i forgot a thought. maybe i'm getting old. oh know..:( 24 going on 60. sometimes i feel like that.


more to come...
ciao
amber

i think i'll like this

well, if y'all don't know by now...............

i'm moving to england!(for up to 2 years...longer, who knows?!) i'll be doing social work over there. i think this will be an awesome way to stay in touch with people, and to have them stalk me by reading this here blog. secret stalking is the daw gawn best eh! no, but on the real, i'm way excited about going, and i intend for this blog to be a memoir as well as an insightful "journal" into what i am contemplating in my mind. often i find that i am in deep insight at points when i just can't share it with anyone, perhaps due to the fact that i'm often sitting up late at night with something lurking, and festering in my lil ol mind....and noone is there to unload it. well, now i will unload some of these things from time to time, and i'm really excited about doing this, and also really excited about others responses, because i love to hear how someone else sees the same issue/circumstance/feeling. it is for this previous reason that i went into counseling. and also because God directed me there.

i hope u will all know that.........its gonna be the hottest thing since molten lava in mexico, and i want u all to give lovely feedback every once in awhile, because it is then that i am really able to deeply think about things from many angles, and grow my dear friends.

signing out ---------ciao,
purelyplumamber;)