running is spiritual and im a princess...

so despite feelings......that sometimes shift moment to moment, underlying i'm wanting to remember two things i'm loving right now--that God is totally showing me.

i've been running a few road races lately,...and the benefit run i did last weekend was for lauren castanza, a gurl who passed away on my birthday about 2 years ago I believe. she was only 22, and well, she had a beautiful testimony. so i decided to run the 3 mile race for her. i honestly hadn't been training/running that much and i thought that would suit me well. as i began running, my bro who ran the race as well said to me "lets do the 10 mile run". in this race there was the option of running 1 mi, 3, 5, and 10. i was taken back since, if you know my brother, know that hes an amazing athelete, but also that hes never trained to run distance like that. and yet he was so determined to do it, because one man he started running with encouraged him to do the 10 miles. it was a sunny beautiful day, and the scenery was lovely-we were on goat island. so i made a decision then and there--i would and could do the 10 miles as well. i planned in my mind to run with my bro and some others during the whole race. there pace wasn't too bad, and they were motivation enough for me. well, soon after i had to tie my shoe(...i think my puppy was playing with it prior..haha....just like the dog ate my..) andbefore i knew it, was running solo. i was used to this, running by myself, i feel it metaphorical to life. just me, myself and God. i began the race at a faster pace, and kept pushing myself. however, i eventually evened out and lost speed as a result of the pressure i had placed on myself. i evened out to exactly the pace i should have been at and even then some because i had pushed myself so hard. what does all this mean? well, i could go on about how i think running is spiritual in many ways, but i'll make a point or two. (because i often get asked, "why do you run,i hate it!") 1--is best not to compare and try to speed up and be at someone else's pace, even if they are 5 seconds faster than you....notthat you can't push yourself a bit, but if you push yourself too hard, and this goes for in life, (meaning if you compare yourself to others), you will eventually even out at where you need to be, not where you THINK or desire to be at that time. you are where you are in the race or in life for a reason, because thats what God knows you are able to handle and where you can be used. 2--i started out the race thinking i wouldn't be able to do the 10 miles. but then someone who hadn't been through running that much decided to doit. and my bro decided because he felt encoruaged by someone else. encouragement is powerful, and running the race of life is amindset, just like running is. we can get a lot farther than what we think---God is on our side, He is desiring to help us and does help us in soo many ways. we can do a lot more in life than we think; sometimes we just need to remember our motivation --and check it...and make sure its set on things above...

i could say a lot more but i'll leave it there for now.

oh ya and i'm a princess. a lot more could be said there--but i'm so embracing and claiming my value as a gurl/woman in God and what He says of me.......and as a gurl i'm also loving that i am able to be super gurlie, and cutsie, ---i'm wanting the fairytale--in whateve way God sees it to work best for me---i'm wanting to have someone special one day treat me like the princess i'm discovering in myself ....right now. i'm a princess; I thank God that He has value for me, that i'm not dependent on others opinions. myhow unfufilling that is. i have a few people in my lifethat i treasure who aren't fully connected to the value i have and who don't see how much of treasure i am......we can't depend on that from others----but i know the onethat created me thinks i'm the cats pajamas......haha....but more than that....a princess of His. and.....with my whole fascination of the british culture---i sure do want to embrace my princessness;) God --allow all of us single gurls who are waiting for the right one you have for us....to truly during this time of waiting know how much youvalue us---and let us EMBRACE that fully.


love you Lord, princess amber;) <3

raw.

maybe i just start eating like a raw foodist. it would match my emotions lately. i feel so raw, .....and i like the word in relation to food but not into how i'm feeling..

jesus, only you can help me.....i give all of me to you. help my rawness not stay raw,....help me scars to heal, and help the exposure to be covered by your love and grace


ambs.

refreshing breeze of music flows in and out......

So i've had a few extra minutes to blog more lately, and its good because i enjoy sharing ideas; with you.

I came across this song; as i've had time to watch the tele now a bit since being stateside. I was watching the Jump Start on VH1.....and for those of you who are deep music lovers; i had one of those moments of true connection to the music; to the lyrics; to the video; it all reflected things in my life as well now. It's an exceptional song that has an amazing ambience to it. It's nice to come across different ambiences to songs. i love ambience.......

so enjoy the lyrics and check out the artist if you haven't already; definitely check out the song. its worth a listen; and the video is very relaxed and fits nice with it all in this natural blend. the gurl in the video is also naturally refreshing with her beauty. (gotta give props to naturalness now adays.)

Artist: Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
"falling slowly"

I don't know you,
But I want you, All the more for that.

Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react.
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice, You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

the bruising of life will soon fade....

lately i've been thinking about this concept of bruising....here me out. i'll try to explain my thoughts that i haven't really processed completely!

so you get a bruise. for me, i sometimes get one if i simply have someone touch me too hard, or merely rub up against something. some of us bruise more easily than others. i'm also talking about emotional bruising.

so the bruise turns green for some, if your lucky. if you've really managed to get wounded a bit then it turns purple---and if you have managed to encounter something that has struck you intensely---your bruise will be black as we all know. and with that,comes swelling of course--more swelling depending on the colour of the bruise. the darker the colour--the worse off you are with swelling.

so what does this all mean? i guess i just found it neat to start, that the more intense we are bruised---the more deep and dark the colour is. it can almost seem as if the colour will never fade(for those of you who have seen someone with severe bruising; someone who was beaten up by their partner, someone who had a freak horrible accident, etc.) black is a pretty depressing state of mind to be living in; as the colour itself is something i like to wear (can't go wrong with skinny black trousers/jeans). since i believe strongly that God has made analogies in life with many things; since i believe Him to be the creator of life and all that is here; its wonderful to extract little nooks and bobs from different concepts and things that are in the world, and to think how cool God is for making them connect to one's soul.

hang with me...

so the darker the bruise; the more swelling there is. its almost like the darker the pain; the more it hurts. the more it stays with us. darker bruising always takes longer to heal, but it does. so, think of it in the deepest emotional level.....bruising on the inside of ourselves is intensely swelled for many of us. its black in there. its quite ugly and it seems to not heal. it seems to only flare up and get worse. sure, sometimes, its alright. we'll kid ourselves some days, depending on our feelings, and say that we're doing fine. but in the inside, when we're stripped of all that means anything to us, i'd say MANY of us are still bruised. i'm not just talking yellowish/green bruising either, though i'm sure we all carry some of that in our hearts. but MANY of us i would say have the purple/black bruising, which leads us to be swelled and uncomfortable in life. uncomfortable interacting; as we're desperate everyday to heal ourselves; while at the same time; doing it in the complete wrong ways (see my previous post). we'll fill ourselves with what we think will heal us.

again, i'm reminded often that when i think i have everything under control; when i think i've managed to sort myself out; and then when it all comes crashing down; i've learned that Jesus is the only one; being God in human flesh; who can truly heal us of our deepest wounds. i need to remember always; as i fail often; to go to Him; and i can truly say, that i have found peace that passes my understanding when i have done this. it may not come right away; but it does come as we are searching and longing to have God set us free from our past hurts/mistakes/ disappointments, etc. we all have bruising; God can begin to make that black turn to yellow.......

transitions of fear and obscurity

hello lovelies;
its been amazing to me to know how fear grips me. i'm continuously fighting to be ungripped yet recognising at times that the grip is stronger than ever.

its in that grip that we begin to humanly think that we can ungrip it ourselves; the grip that fear has on us that is. so we try. we find a boy/girl that we like and we may start there. we find a job that we like; and it becomes us. we find betsey johnson or reiss(two of my fav stores) and we begin to spend. we begin to fill ourselves with whatever it is we think will numb the pain; and at the same time; will make us feel our worth, as we don't recognise our worth to the degree we need to. so other things; other people; other circumstances will dictate that for us. i've seen this many times. and i continue to see it in my life.

so what happens when the relationship ends; when the clothes are no fun anymore; when that lovely job lets us down; when whatever it is ends for us in our minds. i suppose many of us have a little cry; and then we start again; by filling ourselves with the same things; or if we are a bit more skeptical, we go for something a bit different at first.

i long to be free of these things as they are utter dependencies that we have created as humans. in being a christian; a follower of jesus; i get painted sometimes with the wrong brush; with the brush of other christians that say "just give it to God, and you can stop it". well, you see; i believe whole heartedly that jesus did say "cast all your burdens on Me". yis, He did say that. how lovely a thought. but jesus also stated that we will have trials, we will not be perfect in this lifetime; so its accepting our shortcomings, but not simply believing things cannot get a bit better despite them. and in some areas--yis, God does and will free us from them. its about really praying and asking God to see things that we don't see; to see beyong this day; this minute; this year; this circumstance we are in; and see that really; this life is unfufilling unless we have a purpose; unless we know that God is directing our steps.

i'm thankful and feel clearly that even when i question the direction of where God is leading me; in prayer i realise that He is. Take time today, and I'm speaking to myself, to really thank God, and also to really go to Him with all the crap you've been going through; and let Him place His love for you in your heart; that you may feel self worth. In doing so, the strivings for things that we so often think are worthwhile, will seem to be so insignificant and petty.

thank you lord for your direction and guiding hand in my life. i'm wanting to serve you more in this life; this starts by loving you and loving others. NOT condemning others or judging them. i think of "christians" who will speak about sin more than love; hate for homosexuals; hate for muslims; hate for those who have sex; can i just say.........you are never going to get anywhere with anyone; unless you start with LOVING them. Jesus didn't condemn the woman who was a prostitute. He said noone can condemn her or throw a rock at her, unless tehy have no sin. Jesus then welcomed her himself, and CARED for her; LOVED her. It's about recognising where people are coming from; not just talking all about how someone who's a christian is doing this, or someone who's not a christian is acting all wrong. for in that; we are losing the love we need for others. i'm speaking to myself as well at times, as gossipping is something that seems to come quite natural to many. in the end however, its so unfufilling and lifeless.

lets search for life; lets find God; and in doing so; we will find an unabounding spring of love for humanity......

everything will change; soon; very soon lovely little one.

happy new year to all of u who still read this here blog(that means i'm saying it to myself i believe!! ) woo hoo. so i don't get so excited about the new year on new years eve i suppose, though i did have a nice new years with my lovely friend jen and my fam:) but, i get really excited about it in moments when i see that change is occurring, and its like you're on the brink of something new about to happen. i guess life is full of these moments.

so i'm reading now, "sex god" by rob bell. i suppose he's very controversial, but really the title is more controversial than this book is. :)

there is somethin really cool that he is onto, which in essence, is just something that God has created but he has expanded on more. this is the concept of spirituality being connected to sexuality in many senses, and how we are vastly different, and should not try to be either a animal or an angel. how peculiar eh! well, basically, think about it this way(as i'll explain some of this reasoning the way he does mainly).

often, were here, in relation to our desires, that we are entitled to just " go for it", " you can't control it", "kids can't not have sex"...yada yada yada. its almost as if its this uncontrollable desire that canno be put down. this philosophy is that of what the animal has. animals act, and reproduce, and they don't think about it twice. however, we are not animals. we are humans, and God made us different. we have feelings, we have the desire to be connnected to another human on a deep level. an animal does not have those desires.

(he expands more upon this, please check out the book)

then there is the opposite way of living. that of which some extreme religions, even sometimes certain sects of christianity attempt to believe are the way to purity. that is, in denying that we have a body. denying that we are sexual beings. in doing so, we are acting as if we are Angels, in the sense that angels don't have a body, as the bible states. they are merely spiritual beings, without the body. however, we are not, and in denying that we have desires, we are acting not as humans, but as angels.

now of course all of this talk doesn't mean we should act more like the animal then, and just give in. it means that we need to realise that we are not to deny, as christians and other religions can do, that we are sexual beings. but we are also not to act out as the philosphies of the world tell us to, and act as if our desires are uncontrollable urges of which we must act upon in any given moment. denying though that we struggle with this very thing, will undoubtedly create a reverse reaction in which we may then be much worse off than we originally would have been had we not admitted it.

i know this is kind of a weird post, but i just thought it was an interesting thought,.......and just that the analogy was there all along.....i think that's pretty cool.

so i'm finishing out soon in the big old fashion capital of the world(of which i'll miss my trips to top shop, fcuk, and the other high end shops in london, pretending i'm a british fashion star!) but to be honest, its about that time, that i need to settle down into something that a gurl of my age needs to be into---a job that she likes to do, that's less stressful and more easing. i'm not 50, but i feel like i am sometimes with the job i have. i am scarred from this work, and i want to get out before it gets too deep that i'll forever be different. but i'm thankful as well for this oppportunity, and feel positive about the way i'm leaving--with new friends; some that will last throughout my life. (youknow who you are lovelies)

i'm different now. and its not something i can put into words right now.

love you all(most of you), chat soon.

amber xxxx

loveliest of the lovelies

how can i begin to describe my life at this point? its the oddest thing ever, but the loveliest thing ever.

i was so blessed to witness my twin sister and the love of her life, jorge luis, say "i do" on the 15th of December. it absolutely was hands down the most beautiful wedding. (yis, i realise i'm a little biased, but seriously it was amazing) the way our family came together, the many speeches given to jorge and krystal, the love that exists between jorge and krystal......i mean, we didn't have to fudge anything. its simply amazing that 2 people from different parts of the world were united in marriage, and that the prayers of jorge's parents, as well as the prayers of my parents, in the solace of their hearts, was heard and as britt would say, "pierced the ears of God". jorge's mother passed away about 6 years ago, and was not able to be at the wedding, but she had always told him she knows that there will be someone very special for him. i imagine it of course was bittersweet for him, but noone deserves it more. jorge is the most humble person i have met, and when i first met him at the airport on the 6th of December he looked at me as if to say "it's only me!". how little did he know that he holds such an important role in my life now, and that i am forever grateful to him for constantly showing my twin the love and affection she is given by him. jorge treats krystal like gold, they just fit together. she's crazy, he's crazy at times, and yet they both are focused and driven to know God more, as they realise that nothing can truly satisfy completely in this world apart from that-not even their own love they have for each other.

so i cried a lot at the reception and a bit at the wedding. they always say the speeches are where it all comes out--well, whoever said that was right! it's very true, and i wouldn't take back the tears. i truly feel so priveleged to cry; to show my twin and jorge how deep my emotions and feelings are towards them, towards their love and devotion. krystal waited for the right person to cross her path, and jorge waited as well. both are blessed beyond description right now with one another, and they would be the first ones to praise God for answering their heart's cry. how lovely it is to know the one who creates and orchestrates these life events. truly amazing.

there is so much to say, but words at this point aren't going to come close to describing how God has been working, not just in krystal and jorge's lives, but in my life. i'm so privileged to be witness to their love, and also to see my younger sister happier than ever with someone she loves as well. it's a beautiful thing, and its lovely to see the innocence and purity that still does exist in this world, that is so special and treasured to some. the media, celebrities, friends, can often times pressure us to be, look, act a certain way-often times to be honest-it involves flirting just to get attention, dating just to feel loved, etc. how lovely it is to know that God wants so much more for us-let us not settle for believing that we are worth nothing if we don't have a man by our side in this moment in time. how great and lovely it is to know that God's looking at us, and is telling us to trust Him, and to keep loving others along the way. after seeing both of my sister's love stories, as well as other family members, including my parents who are still married after 26 years; i'm blessed to be surrounded by witnesses of how marriage and life should look, how love should last, how it's not about winning the fight, but how its about being humble and admitting when you are wrong.

so i've got this whole new look on love--and its lovely! its the loveliest of the lovelies. and something that is the loveliest of the lovelies is surely from God.