everything will change; soon; very soon lovely little one.

happy new year to all of u who still read this here blog(that means i'm saying it to myself i believe!! ) woo hoo. so i don't get so excited about the new year on new years eve i suppose, though i did have a nice new years with my lovely friend jen and my fam:) but, i get really excited about it in moments when i see that change is occurring, and its like you're on the brink of something new about to happen. i guess life is full of these moments.

so i'm reading now, "sex god" by rob bell. i suppose he's very controversial, but really the title is more controversial than this book is. :)

there is somethin really cool that he is onto, which in essence, is just something that God has created but he has expanded on more. this is the concept of spirituality being connected to sexuality in many senses, and how we are vastly different, and should not try to be either a animal or an angel. how peculiar eh! well, basically, think about it this way(as i'll explain some of this reasoning the way he does mainly).

often, were here, in relation to our desires, that we are entitled to just " go for it", " you can't control it", "kids can't not have sex"...yada yada yada. its almost as if its this uncontrollable desire that canno be put down. this philosophy is that of what the animal has. animals act, and reproduce, and they don't think about it twice. however, we are not animals. we are humans, and God made us different. we have feelings, we have the desire to be connnected to another human on a deep level. an animal does not have those desires.

(he expands more upon this, please check out the book)

then there is the opposite way of living. that of which some extreme religions, even sometimes certain sects of christianity attempt to believe are the way to purity. that is, in denying that we have a body. denying that we are sexual beings. in doing so, we are acting as if we are Angels, in the sense that angels don't have a body, as the bible states. they are merely spiritual beings, without the body. however, we are not, and in denying that we have desires, we are acting not as humans, but as angels.

now of course all of this talk doesn't mean we should act more like the animal then, and just give in. it means that we need to realise that we are not to deny, as christians and other religions can do, that we are sexual beings. but we are also not to act out as the philosphies of the world tell us to, and act as if our desires are uncontrollable urges of which we must act upon in any given moment. denying though that we struggle with this very thing, will undoubtedly create a reverse reaction in which we may then be much worse off than we originally would have been had we not admitted it.

i know this is kind of a weird post, but i just thought it was an interesting thought,.......and just that the analogy was there all along.....i think that's pretty cool.

so i'm finishing out soon in the big old fashion capital of the world(of which i'll miss my trips to top shop, fcuk, and the other high end shops in london, pretending i'm a british fashion star!) but to be honest, its about that time, that i need to settle down into something that a gurl of my age needs to be into---a job that she likes to do, that's less stressful and more easing. i'm not 50, but i feel like i am sometimes with the job i have. i am scarred from this work, and i want to get out before it gets too deep that i'll forever be different. but i'm thankful as well for this oppportunity, and feel positive about the way i'm leaving--with new friends; some that will last throughout my life. (youknow who you are lovelies)

i'm different now. and its not something i can put into words right now.

love you all(most of you), chat soon.

amber xxxx