combobulationof thoughts.

so i was watching oprah the other day, and it was a repeat. bummer, but i hadn't seen the whole thing last time. the guy who checked in two of the terrorists (2 who were going to hijack the plane into the 2nd(i believe)world trade center tower). he had been working as an airport security guard for quite some time. he said tho he never saw a man with such hate and emptiness in his eyes before. he said he got a chill when he talked to him. he was so cold and empty. and hateful looking amidst it all. this man knew that the security guard had his boarding passes, and could give them to him. however, they had a stare down, and the security guard made the two men go through one more security check, despite the fact that they answered all of the "security questions" appropriately. and then....


they were checked out by a gurl. a younger gurl. she let them on. but what was shocking is that i never knew this...but afterwards.....after the planes crashed in the world trade center, after all hell broke loose, and then after it all settled inour hearts, this young gurl felt so guilty and horrible that she took her own life soon after 9/11. now, this security guard on oprah is living with the guilt of knowing that he put these men through another check, and the security guard who let them through committed suicide as a result.

noone should be blamed in this situation but those 2 men. its just amazing to me. the mindset. i'm fascinated in an intriguing, yet terribly disgusted and intolerable way at how their hate would cause them to not only kill others, but to also kill themselves and render their bodies and minds tosuch a scary, horrible, and torturous death.


but.....the security man who was on the show was talking about how the one guy,not the one who looked so empty and hateful, but the other one.....how this man was different in that he waslaughing, smirking, joking......it was the inference of the security guard that he may havenot known he was going to DIE that day.


this has been looked into, and it is speculation actually. It is considered a possibility that some of the men knew that they would hijack the plane, but not lose their lives. they may have been told thatthey would go and land somewhere perhaps, and demand things, or kill individuals perhaps, but not lose their own lives. can u imagine that as well? the betrayal of the men who actually KNEW what was going to happen. it was almost like they were more "spiritual", more "muslim" and they decided that they would not share their "elite knowledge" with the others, but instead CONTROL the situation by being silent and then in fact betraying their "close companions",....or perhaps to them.....they were doing what was BEST for them. killing. murder. terrorizing. its all so much like a movie to me.

i mean, do we really get it? i don't think we will. ever. on this earth. how can you? you can't fully grasp feelings that have never arisen inside of you to that degree before. we can't ever really grasp that there are terrorists. we can grasp the events to a certain extent, but not the emotions and feelings behind them. i tried. its too overwhelming. because then we try to find out WHY.


i'm kinda sick of social work inthat respect. let me explain. in social work, if i'm counseling someone who is abusing someone, lets say physically. well, then its because they were either sexually or physically abused when they were younger, and/or their parents were physically abusive to one another. there is always a justification. you can always find something wrong inour past that isn't right. but i am beyond the point of believing that what someone else did to me, or what happened to me, willshape my future to such a negative degree. its like everything is because of something else and we don't really have too much choice anymore. we have so much choice. more than we ever realize. sure, our feelings maynot always coincide, but we have choices that can be made to diminish those as well.

anyways. getting back to oprah's show.....i am still shocked at the world. i'm still amazed by the evil. i willnever fully understand the evil and hatred,but just to realize how absolutely ridiculous it is..........allows me to realize more that there is a greater evil, that I know to be the devil who is behind this movement everyday. placing thoughts into our minds and creating situations that will test us. now, i'm not a terrorist, but i still experience negative thoughts. we all do. God is stronger, so much stronger.

on that note,i have much more to say...but i had a brain lapse. i forgot a thought. maybe i'm getting old. oh know..:( 24 going on 60. sometimes i feel like that.


more to come...
ciao
amber