living amidst the pain

So, the title sums up a lot of what has been told to me recently by friends, as well as what i suppose my little heart has been feeling. yes, i did just say little heart. i'm cold as ice.;)

basically, today was very good, very reminiscent of the past. i guess i've learned today a few things. number one- that things change. wow, i'm so profound! let me explain a little without getting too revealing here, as i like to leave a bit of ambiguity because that's how i am. i've always been told, and at times have felt, that it isn't possible to be friends with guys once you are in a relationship with someone, and by friends, i mean, have meaningful intelligent conversations and hang out occasionally. however, i know that now i have at least 2 friends who are boys who i will hopefully always remain friends with, and who can be incorporated into my future life, and i into theirs.

one of my friends, i haven't seen him since before leaving for london. things have really started to change a lot in his life, in a lot of areas, and he also is now in love with a gurl who i had the privelege of meeting tonight as well. i guess i'm sharing this partly because i care deeply for this boy, as a friend, and he for me as well. i'd like to really believe that we'll be able to hang out, laugh and cry, as we used to but part of me knows and realises it will always be different. yet, his girlfriend amazingly is able to accept that i am his best friend who is a gurl, and that even if we don't talk that much during the course of the year, when i am back in buffalo, catching up would be lovely and a good thing to do. what an amazing person? sometimes i wonder if i'd be able to let another gurl hang out with my man! but, i suppose part of it is in the nature of the gurl, and in the boy himself. this friend of mine is very genuine and real, and he wanted me to meet his girlfriend and her to meet me because we were both so important to him. i guess i just felt partly that jealousy and insecurity were not present in this situation which was amazing, and i felt so loved, yet at the same time, my friend was completely honoring and treating his girlfriend with such dignity and love.
\so, even as our hearts are saddened after a break up, it's actually been a much more substantial sadness for me to think that despite these lovely meetings with this first friend, things will be different. i've been told by him that we were like the two little kids playing in the sandbox when we were little, who grew up together(even though i met him when i was about 21!), who were always meant to be friends. and he even made it a point that this would be how it would be even after we got married. i always kinda took that and thought, "ya, nice thought, but prolly not going to keep in touch after we're married....." but, after tonight, there is that hope that yes, with hearts that are full of the right love for our friends, and after accepting that you will need to now incorporate both your old friend as well as their new partner, then yes, you are able to remain apart of the picture. so yes, things will be different, we won't be hanging out every night together until 1 or 2am like the olden days, but that's okay. we won't be phoning each other every week to see how the other is doing--but, we won't lose touch, and i will be there when he gets married, and i will want to see how things are going and chill, and go on group dates as well. (as soon as i marry an englishman,...haha) so i'm older now, and i know that relationships change, and that most guy-gurl friendships either result in one of the individuals liking the other, dating, or flirting, or a break up. however, i'm glad to know that some of them may go through a few of those stages, but that in the end, i've managed to walk away with 2 solid christian guy friends who are able to be incorporated into my life in the future i believe, and that makes me smile. if you're wondering who the 2 boys are you're not going to get any closer to knowing after reading this blog, sorry about that, but i think if the reader knew it wouldn't be as fun anyways.

part of the fun of life is to always wonder what the other is thinking; to ponder the mystery of things. i'm definitely not as mysterious as i used to be, but i always hold onto what i can.

so, my twin sister is getting married, yes, in december. she's completely in love, and he as well. they're really great for each other, though i haven't seen him yet, and i never thought my twin would be engaged without that happening, but that shows you how life can just pass you by sometimes. i felt really guilty at first actually when i was in london-because i was missing the lives of those i loved and cared for, family and friends. i've learned though to make the most of the times i do have with them, and to remember that there are seasons in life, and i believe this season in my life i am to be in london. still not sure if i'll stay past december, as i know that the job i'm doing in london--is not only physically draining, but emotionaly draining. its gotten to the point that i'm recovering during the weekends, instead of enjoying the weekends in london. so, i'm going to go back with a refreshed mindset i feel, which will help a lot.

so to end,since i'm very tired after a long day and its close to 2:30am, i'm really in love with where i live in good old north tonawanda. i'd never thought i'd say that before i left for london, as i was darn right tired of it at that point!:) not to say i hate london because i don't, but i'm not a big city gurl, and yet i'm able to deal with living in london for this season of my life. and, yes, you can never say never i guess, but more than likely, i won't end up living in a big city long term.
one of the number one questions people ask me, is do i travel while in england. have i been to spain, france, germany, switzerland. so, if you wanted to ask me that too; i'll answer it! i've been to wales, and nowhere else except a few cities outside of london. i do want to travel one day, however, i want to go at the right time and with the right people/person, and i don't feel i will travel really for the rest of this year at least, and probably not for another year. most people i know will go to places, and i even had a friend from australia who would travel by herself. i don't enjoy looking at things unless i have someone to look with me. part of the thrill of traveling is to share the experience for me, with someone else. to make a memory while traveling. to both be amazed and to look at the other person's reaction to different sites. i'm all about that. so, until i feel that peace and have the right perhaps, person, to go with, i'll be in central london, perhaps covent garden area, having a good time in the mean time.

i think i'm starting to ramble. i must be tired. ;) this post is pretty confusing, and i think i didn't accurately discuss the title of the post, but another time.

( at least i updated my blog, as i've been told to do!;) )


God bless my lovely friends, amber