Pure essences run right through me

running is spiritual and im a princess...

2008-09-28T00:02:00.000-07:00

so despite feelings......that sometimes shift moment to moment, underlying i'm wanting to remember two things i'm loving right now--that God is totally showing me.

i've been running a few road races lately,...and the benefit run i did last weekend was for lauren castanza, a gurl who passed away on my birthday about 2 years ago I believe. she was only 22, and well, she had a beautiful testimony. so i decided to run the 3 mile race for her. i honestly hadn't been training/running that much and i thought that would suit me well. as i began running, my bro who ran the race as well said to me "lets do the 10 mile run". in this race there was the option of running 1 mi, 3, 5, and 10. i was taken back since, if you know my brother, know that hes an amazing athelete, but also that hes never trained to run distance like that. and yet he was so determined to do it, because one man he started running with encouraged him to do the 10 miles. it was a sunny beautiful day, and the scenery was lovely-we were on goat island. so i made a decision then and there--i would and could do the 10 miles as well. i planned in my mind to run with my bro and some others during the whole race. there pace wasn't too bad, and they were motivation enough for me. well, soon after i had to tie my shoe(...i think my puppy was playing with it prior..haha....just like the dog ate my..) andbefore i knew it, was running solo. i was used to this, running by myself, i feel it metaphorical to life. just me, myself and God. i began the race at a faster pace, and kept pushing myself. however, i eventually evened out and lost speed as a result of the pressure i had placed on myself. i evened out to exactly the pace i should have been at and even then some because i had pushed myself so hard. what does all this mean? well, i could go on about how i think running is spiritual in many ways, but i'll make a point or two. (because i often get asked, "why do you run,i hate it!") 1--is best not to compare and try to speed up and be at someone else's pace, even if they are 5 seconds faster than you....notthat you can't push yourself a bit, but if you push yourself too hard, and this goes for in life, (meaning if you compare yourself to others), you will eventually even out at where you need to be, not where you THINK or desire to be at that time. you are where you are in the race or in life for a reason, because thats what God knows you are able to handle and where you can be used. 2--i started out the race thinking i wouldn't be able to do the 10 miles. but then someone who hadn't been through running that much decided to doit. and my bro decided because he felt encoruaged by someone else. encouragement is powerful, and running the race of life is amindset, just like running is. we can get a lot farther than what we think---God is on our side, He is desiring to help us and does help us in soo many ways. we can do a lot more in life than we think; sometimes we just need to remember our motivation --and check it...and make sure its set on things above...

i could say a lot more but i'll leave it there for now.

oh ya and i'm a princess. a lot more could be said there--but i'm so embracing and claiming my value as a gurl/woman in God and what He says of me.......and as a gurl i'm also loving that i am able to be super gurlie, and cutsie, ---i'm wanting the fairytale--in whateve way God sees it to work best for me---i'm wanting to have someone special one day treat me like the princess i'm discovering in myself ....right now. i'm a princess; I thank God that He has value for me, that i'm not dependent on others opinions. myhow unfufilling that is. i have a few people in my lifethat i treasure who aren't fully connected to the value i have and who don't see how much of treasure i am......we can't depend on that from others----but i know the onethat created me thinks i'm the cats pajamas......haha....but more than that....a princess of His. and.....with my whole fascination of the british culture---i sure do want to embrace my princessness;) God --allow all of us single gurls who are waiting for the right one you have for us....to truly during this time of waiting know how much youvalue us---and let us EMBRACE that fully.

love you Lord, princess amber;) <3

raw.

2008-08-20T05:39:00.000-07:00

maybe i just start eating like a raw foodist. it would match my emotions lately. i feel so raw, .....and i like the word in relation to food but not into how i'm feeling..

jesus, only you can help me.....i give all of me to you. help my rawness not stay raw,....help me scars to heal, and help the exposure to be covered by your love and grace

ambs.

refreshing breeze of music flows in and out......

2008-02-08T07:14:00.000-08:00

So i've had a few extra minutes to blog more lately, and its good because i enjoy sharing ideas; with you.

I came across this song; as i've had time to watch the tele now a bit since being stateside. I was watching the Jump Start on VH1.....and for those of you who are deep music lovers; i had one of those moments of true connection to the music; to the lyrics; to the video; it all reflected things in my life as well now. It's an exceptional song that has an amazing ambience to it. It's nice to come across different ambiences to songs. i love ambience.......

so enjoy the lyrics and check out the artist if you haven't already; definitely check out the song. its worth a listen; and the video is very relaxed and fits nice with it all in this natural blend. the gurl in the video is also naturally refreshing with her beauty. (gotta give props to naturalness now adays.)

Artist: Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
"falling slowly"

I don't know you,
But I want you, All the more for that.

Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react.
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice, You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

the bruising of life will soon fade....

2008-02-07T06:20:00.000-08:00

lately i've been thinking about this concept of bruising....here me out. i'll try to explain my thoughts that i haven't really processed completely!

so you get a bruise. for me, i sometimes get one if i simply have someone touch me too hard, or merely rub up against something. some of us bruise more easily than others. i'm also talking about emotional bruising.

so the bruise turns green for some, if your lucky. if you've really managed to get wounded a bit then it turns purple---and if you have managed to encounter something that has struck you intensely---your bruise will be black as we all know. and with that,comes swelling of course--more swelling depending on the colour of the bruise. the darker the colour--the worse off you are with swelling.

so what does this all mean? i guess i just found it neat to start, that the more intense we are bruised---the more deep and dark the colour is. it can almost seem as if the colour will never fade(for those of you who have seen someone with severe bruising; someone who was beaten up by their partner, someone who had a freak horrible accident, etc.) black is a pretty depressing state of mind to be living in; as the colour itself is something i like to wear (can't go wrong with skinny black trousers/jeans). since i believe strongly that God has made analogies in life with many things; since i believe Him to be the creator of life and all that is here; its wonderful to extract little nooks and bobs from different concepts and things that are in the world, and to think how cool God is for making them connect to one's soul.

hang with me...

so the darker the bruise; the more swelling there is. its almost like the darker the pain; the more it hurts. the more it stays with us. darker bruising always takes longer to heal, but it does. so, think of it in the deepest emotional level.....bruising on the inside of ourselves is intensely swelled for many of us. its black in there. its quite ugly and it seems to not heal. it seems to only flare up and get worse. sure, sometimes, its alright. we'll kid ourselves some days, depending on our feelings, and say that we're doing fine. but in the inside, when we're stripped of all that means anything to us, i'd say MANY of us are still bruised. i'm not just talking yellowish/green bruising either, though i'm sure we all carry some of that in our hearts. but MANY of us i would say have the purple/black bruising, which leads us to be swelled and uncomfortable in life. uncomfortable interacting; as we're desperate everyday to heal ourselves; while at the same time; doing it in the complete wrong ways (see my previous post). we'll fill ourselves with what we think will heal us.

again, i'm reminded often that when i think i have everything under control; when i think i've managed to sort myself out; and then when it all comes crashing down; i've learned that Jesus is the only one; being God in human flesh; who can truly heal us of our deepest wounds. i need to remember always; as i fail often; to go to Him; and i can truly say, that i have found peace that passes my understanding when i have done this. it may not come right away; but it does come as we are searching and longing to have God set us free from our past hurts/mistakes/ disappointments, etc. we all have bruising; God can begin to make that black turn to yellow.......

transitions of fear and obscurity

2008-02-03T13:50:00.000-08:00

hello lovelies;
its been amazing to me to know how fear grips me. i'm continuously fighting to be ungripped yet recognising at times that the grip is stronger than ever.

its in that grip that we begin to humanly think that we can ungrip it ourselves; the grip that fear has on us that is. so we try. we find a boy/girl that we like and we may start there. we find a job that we like; and it becomes us. we find betsey johnson or reiss(two of my fav stores) and we begin to spend. we begin to fill ourselves with whatever it is we think will numb the pain; and at the same time; will make us feel our worth, as we don't recognise our worth to the degree we need to. so other things; other people; other circumstances will dictate that for us. i've seen this many times. and i continue to see it in my life.

so what happens when the relationship ends; when the clothes are no fun anymore; when that lovely job lets us down; when whatever it is ends for us in our minds. i suppose many of us have a little cry; and then we start again; by filling ourselves with the same things; or if we are a bit more skeptical, we go for something a bit different at first.

i long to be free of these things as they are utter dependencies that we have created as humans. in being a christian; a follower of jesus; i get painted sometimes with the wrong brush; with the brush of other christians that say "just give it to God, and you can stop it". well, you see; i believe whole heartedly that jesus did say "cast all your burdens on Me". yis, He did say that. how lovely a thought. but jesus also stated that we will have trials, we will not be perfect in this lifetime; so its accepting our shortcomings, but not simply believing things cannot get a bit better despite them. and in some areas--yis, God does and will free us from them. its about really praying and asking God to see things that we don't see; to see beyong this day; this minute; this year; this circumstance we are in; and see that really; this life is unfufilling unless we have a purpose; unless we know that God is directing our steps.

i'm thankful and feel clearly that even when i question the direction of where God is leading me; in prayer i realise that He is. Take time today, and I'm speaking to myself, to really thank God, and also to really go to Him with all the crap you've been going through; and let Him place His love for you in your heart; that you may feel self worth. In doing so, the strivings for things that we so often think are worthwhile, will seem to be so insignificant and petty.

thank you lord for your direction and guiding hand in my life. i'm wanting to serve you more in this life; this starts by loving you and loving others. NOT condemning others or judging them. i think of "christians" who will speak about sin more than love; hate for homosexuals; hate for muslims; hate for those who have sex; can i just say.........you are never going to get anywhere with anyone; unless you start with LOVING them. Jesus didn't condemn the woman who was a prostitute. He said noone can condemn her or throw a rock at her, unless tehy have no sin. Jesus then welcomed her himself, and CARED for her; LOVED her. It's about recognising where people are coming from; not just talking all about how someone who's a christian is doing this, or someone who's not a christian is acting all wrong. for in that; we are losing the love we need for others. i'm speaking to myself as well at times, as gossipping is something that seems to come quite natural to many. in the end however, its so unfufilling and lifeless.

lets search for life; lets find God; and in doing so; we will find an unabounding spring of love for humanity......

everything will change; soon; very soon lovely little one.

2008-01-14T11:03:00.000-08:00

happy new year to all of u who still read this here blog(that means i'm saying it to myself i believe!! ) woo hoo. so i don't get so excited about the new year on new years eve i suppose, though i did have a nice new years with my lovely friend jen and my fam:) but, i get really excited about it in moments when i see that change is occurring, and its like you're on the brink of something new about to happen. i guess life is full of these moments.

so i'm reading now, "sex god" by rob bell. i suppose he's very controversial, but really the title is more controversial than this book is. :)

there is somethin really cool that he is onto, which in essence, is just something that God has created but he has expanded on more. this is the concept of spirituality being connected to sexuality in many senses, and how we are vastly different, and should not try to be either a animal or an angel. how peculiar eh! well, basically, think about it this way(as i'll explain some of this reasoning the way he does mainly).

often, were here, in relation to our desires, that we are entitled to just " go for it", " you can't control it", "kids can't not have sex"...yada yada yada. its almost as if its this uncontrollable desire that canno be put down. this philosophy is that of what the animal has. animals act, and reproduce, and they don't think about it twice. however, we are not animals. we are humans, and God made us different. we have feelings, we have the desire to be connnected to another human on a deep level. an animal does not have those desires.

(he expands more upon this, please check out the book)

then there is the opposite way of living. that of which some extreme religions, even sometimes certain sects of christianity attempt to believe are the way to purity. that is, in denying that we have a body. denying that we are sexual beings. in doing so, we are acting as if we are Angels, in the sense that angels don't have a body, as the bible states. they are merely spiritual beings, without the body. however, we are not, and in denying that we have desires, we are acting not as humans, but as angels.

now of course all of this talk doesn't mean we should act more like the animal then, and just give in. it means that we need to realise that we are not to deny, as christians and other religions can do, that we are sexual beings. but we are also not to act out as the philosphies of the world tell us to, and act as if our desires are uncontrollable urges of which we must act upon in any given moment. denying though that we struggle with this very thing, will undoubtedly create a reverse reaction in which we may then be much worse off than we originally would have been had we not admitted it.

i know this is kind of a weird post, but i just thought it was an interesting thought,.......and just that the analogy was there all along.....i think that's pretty cool.

so i'm finishing out soon in the big old fashion capital of the world(of which i'll miss my trips to top shop, fcuk, and the other high end shops in london, pretending i'm a british fashion star!) but to be honest, its about that time, that i need to settle down into something that a gurl of my age needs to be into---a job that she likes to do, that's less stressful and more easing. i'm not 50, but i feel like i am sometimes with the job i have. i am scarred from this work, and i want to get out before it gets too deep that i'll forever be different. but i'm thankful as well for this oppportunity, and feel positive about the way i'm leaving--with new friends; some that will last throughout my life. (youknow who you are lovelies)

i'm different now. and its not something i can put into words right now.

love you all(most of you), chat soon.

amber xxxx

loveliest of the lovelies

2007-12-22T12:09:00.000-08:00

how can i begin to describe my life at this point? its the oddest thing ever, but the loveliest thing ever.

i was so blessed to witness my twin sister and the love of her life, jorge luis, say "i do" on the 15th of December. it absolutely was hands down the most beautiful wedding. (yis, i realise i'm a little biased, but seriously it was amazing) the way our family came together, the many speeches given to jorge and krystal, the love that exists between jorge and krystal......i mean, we didn't have to fudge anything. its simply amazing that 2 people from different parts of the world were united in marriage, and that the prayers of jorge's parents, as well as the prayers of my parents, in the solace of their hearts, was heard and as britt would say, "pierced the ears of God". jorge's mother passed away about 6 years ago, and was not able to be at the wedding, but she had always told him she knows that there will be someone very special for him. i imagine it of course was bittersweet for him, but noone deserves it more. jorge is the most humble person i have met, and when i first met him at the airport on the 6th of December he looked at me as if to say "it's only me!". how little did he know that he holds such an important role in my life now, and that i am forever grateful to him for constantly showing my twin the love and affection she is given by him. jorge treats krystal like gold, they just fit together. she's crazy, he's crazy at times, and yet they both are focused and driven to know God more, as they realise that nothing can truly satisfy completely in this world apart from that-not even their own love they have for each other.

so i cried a lot at the reception and a bit at the wedding. they always say the speeches are where it all comes out--well, whoever said that was right! it's very true, and i wouldn't take back the tears. i truly feel so priveleged to cry; to show my twin and jorge how deep my emotions and feelings are towards them, towards their love and devotion. krystal waited for the right person to cross her path, and jorge waited as well. both are blessed beyond description right now with one another, and they would be the first ones to praise God for answering their heart's cry. how lovely it is to know the one who creates and orchestrates these life events. truly amazing.

there is so much to say, but words at this point aren't going to come close to describing how God has been working, not just in krystal and jorge's lives, but in my life. i'm so privileged to be witness to their love, and also to see my younger sister happier than ever with someone she loves as well. it's a beautiful thing, and its lovely to see the innocence and purity that still does exist in this world, that is so special and treasured to some. the media, celebrities, friends, can often times pressure us to be, look, act a certain way-often times to be honest-it involves flirting just to get attention, dating just to feel loved, etc. how lovely it is to know that God wants so much more for us-let us not settle for believing that we are worth nothing if we don't have a man by our side in this moment in time. how great and lovely it is to know that God's looking at us, and is telling us to trust Him, and to keep loving others along the way. after seeing both of my sister's love stories, as well as other family members, including my parents who are still married after 26 years; i'm blessed to be surrounded by witnesses of how marriage and life should look, how love should last, how it's not about winning the fight, but how its about being humble and admitting when you are wrong.

so i've got this whole new look on love--and its lovely! its the loveliest of the lovelies. and something that is the loveliest of the lovelies is surely from God.

confusion;hurt;lonely;striving;tears

2007-11-24T17:51:00.000-08:00

striving to love; i learn i'm vain,
giving to you, and then the sunflower fades.
the petals, forever were never that nice.

you sucked me in, now i'm hurting
you sucked me down, now i'm crying,
and all i was doing was striving to love you.

when i'm trodding on life's narrow road,
the breeze is so deafening, as it cries out a groan
"are you prettier", "are you happier" " are you lovelier than she"
if the answers are no, start again, then proceed
when will this battle be won in my head?
when i'm beautiful, when i'm confident, when i've a ring on my hand?

feel the pressure, as i'm striving, as i'm striving to love.
why am i striving, striving, striving to love?

i'm loving you, only so i'll love me.

the inner peace

2007-10-10T12:25:00.001-07:00

God has been showing me so much in london its amazing. more on that a bit later.

there's this eerie thought that keeps coming back to my mind. on a human level, we're all such great pretenders in the everyday. and the thought that "there is so much more going on than we even know about" has rung true lately, and is a bit intense.

recently, i've had such a burden to just break free of the fakeness that we exhibit as humans when we interact with one another. i feel opressed at times when there is a pressure to say the funniest thing, or be amazing. sometime you need to just BE; yet, that is often associated at times as boring; lifeless. but i feel to the contrary that being in other's presence and interacting when the moment calls for it, is rarely done. i guess, sometimes life consists too much of the inbetween banter and chat that is of no relevance or importance in my life. my dilemma partially is the need to still want to relate to others who have different values, a different sense of what relating to a friend is, a different sense of fun. in london we are face to face with these differences and it can be lonely and isolating at times and tiring to attempt to break every barrier.

i feel so strongly that my deepest desires and wishes in a friendship are only met by a certain few here, even one or two i could say. i'm thankful for it, but it also partially saddens me that we are so disconnected from really having meaningful, honest, conversations. instead, there is halfhearted, joking, flirting, selfish conversations that in the end are of little use to us after the night is over. i've felt this throughout life, but i suppose its screeched back into my realm of thinking again.

yesterday i felt so extremely blessed to be more apart of a church i'm going to, and more connected to some amazing people. i felt that i can see a bit of why i'm in london more, on a relational level, as i've been able to be blessed and to bless others that have been here; some during hard times and others during okay times. i'm seeing more the need to remember the beauty in life; despite our feelings; despite the circumstance.

i'm a human being whos pressing on, remembering that the Lord my God is to be glorified by all I do as I'm ever grateful to be so blessed, and to be set free.

so --to be set free--quite interesting eh? well, its a long topic but, i've really been molded and shaped by the Lord so much lately in regards to this "being set free". i've actually had a big breakthrough recently and was praying for a few weeks that God would just set me free of something, and i have such a peace now and assurance in this situation. but the trouble is that, we won't be completely whole in this world, as we are not perfect. but, we need to remember that God wants us to be more free than we could ever envision ourselves at times.

i'm thankful for new starts. i'm thankful that feelings that are horrible don't mean we are at all, or that God is. i'm thankful that the Lord is good and is faithful to us, and is there for us at ALL times.

i guess i'm just being a human; recognising that my failings and shortcomings are of importance to others in some way as i believe they happen for a reason. i also am grateful that God has changed my mindset on many things in the last year; and that i'm more equipped now to love.

neat;)

much love to you all from london*
amber

hmmmm

2007-08-26T11:21:00.000-07:00

I just read Pastor jerry's E-Musings for the first time today.........very amazing. please check them out at www.jerrygillis.com. And no, he didn't tell me to do that!

so i'm reading cs lewis's auto-bio(as he says, but its sort of not as we know cs goes on tangents). its called "surprised by joy" and the title intrigued me first, well, i guess CS intrigued me first then the title, as we all know cs is great. So me and C-S have a lot in common.

a few commonolaties from his bio:

-He felt england to be cold upon arrival and very harsh feeling;
-He often will think of a memory of a memory but realises that he isn't desiring what is in the memory in terms of the tangible items; ...for example, today i was listening to bing crosby's "white christmas".......(yis, i'm crazy)! , and i didn't want the christmas tree, or the snow, but simply the mere longing for the memory i have associated with past christmas's which i realise can't be duplicated, therefore, i settle for longing for the memory/JOY again.........
-He realises that feelings of pure dissatisfaction allowed him to realise things about life; one being not to trust and put emphasis and meaning to his feelings for then you may end up living in that depression way too long.

So, there is more, but its a real great start to the book, as i didn't know much about C-S's bio before.

so i went to the notting hill festival today and; to give you an idea--my friend and i wanted to leave after about 2 hours as we felt we'd seen it all (food, beer, LOUD caribeean/jamaican music,).....oh, and after inhaling all the weed that was around us, we ended up not ebing able to get to the tube station until about 1 hour and a half after wanting to leave as most tubes were closed----and to top it all off, a jamaican man grabbed me ina crowd and started to grind on me. i think i'm scarred for life from that.........yuk yuk yuk.

well i'm trying to find more meaning in this london; trying to feel more at home, though realising i may never feel more at home.....

will keep you all posted,
love ambs

more combobulations or distractions

2007-08-17T10:16:00.000-07:00

So i'm back in the old london. yis, it's quite surreal again, but its much different in a way so far. to start, it was i believe even harder for me in many ways, but also easier in others. i don't feel like going through it all though right now actually!

so what i will say is that it was hard to come back for sure. my job however, has been amazingly OKAY this week and i have such a better perspective on it. I also think its because I have learned not to get stressed out over the little stuff.

so i'm feeling more happy lately, and its all so nice, and its all a blessing i'd say. sometimes we can go through things, and not even realise the state we are in until we see the sunrise afterwards, and then we quickly run towards it not wanting it end.

i miss my family and friends quite a bit, and its quite hard to really have london feel like home for that reason. the other part is i need to make new memories with those i feel really truly apart of in some way, that's very important to me. and then i'll begin to see the scenery in london, and see my memories laid out before me, and then i will smile. hope those days come soon. (don't worry about me, i'll be fine.)

so i'm excited about some new adventures to come, and eager to see God use me more at my workplace --you wouldn't believe how much the job i have is utterly hard, but yet utterly rewarding in many moments. its quite extreme like that. i guess its what you make it, really. i really try to impact others in certain ways even if we can't do anything for them. sometimes its just about that extra time or the intensity of your eyes that express you care.

i tend to think those that have helped me the most in life have just let me be in a moment, and live in that. but who also will express with their eyes perhaps, not even their words, their desire for me to want/do/have/achieve better/more.

i didn't expect this post to be so vague...apologies!

bye my loves for now. chat soon i will!

living amidst the pain

2007-07-20T22:16:00.000-07:00

So, the title sums up a lot of what has been told to me recently by friends, as well as what i suppose my little heart has been feeling. yes, i did just say little heart. i'm cold as ice.;)

basically, today was very good, very reminiscent of the past. i guess i've learned today a few things. number one- that things change. wow, i'm so profound! let me explain a little without getting too revealing here, as i like to leave a bit of ambiguity because that's how i am. i've always been told, and at times have felt, that it isn't possible to be friends with guys once you are in a relationship with someone, and by friends, i mean, have meaningful intelligent conversations and hang out occasionally. however, i know that now i have at least 2 friends who are boys who i will hopefully always remain friends with, and who can be incorporated into my future life, and i into theirs.

one of my friends, i haven't seen him since before leaving for london. things have really started to change a lot in his life, in a lot of areas, and he also is now in love with a gurl who i had the privelege of meeting tonight as well. i guess i'm sharing this partly because i care deeply for this boy, as a friend, and he for me as well. i'd like to really believe that we'll be able to hang out, laugh and cry, as we used to but part of me knows and realises it will always be different. yet, his girlfriend amazingly is able to accept that i am his best friend who is a gurl, and that even if we don't talk that much during the course of the year, when i am back in buffalo, catching up would be lovely and a good thing to do. what an amazing person? sometimes i wonder if i'd be able to let another gurl hang out with my man! but, i suppose part of it is in the nature of the gurl, and in the boy himself. this friend of mine is very genuine and real, and he wanted me to meet his girlfriend and her to meet me because we were both so important to him. i guess i just felt partly that jealousy and insecurity were not present in this situation which was amazing, and i felt so loved, yet at the same time, my friend was completely honoring and treating his girlfriend with such dignity and love.
\so, even as our hearts are saddened after a break up, it's actually been a much more substantial sadness for me to think that despite these lovely meetings with this first friend, things will be different. i've been told by him that we were like the two little kids playing in the sandbox when we were little, who grew up together(even though i met him when i was about 21!), who were always meant to be friends. and he even made it a point that this would be how it would be even after we got married. i always kinda took that and thought, "ya, nice thought, but prolly not going to keep in touch after we're married....." but, after tonight, there is that hope that yes, with hearts that are full of the right love for our friends, and after accepting that you will need to now incorporate both your old friend as well as their new partner, then yes, you are able to remain apart of the picture. so yes, things will be different, we won't be hanging out every night together until 1 or 2am like the olden days, but that's okay. we won't be phoning each other every week to see how the other is doing--but, we won't lose touch, and i will be there when he gets married, and i will want to see how things are going and chill, and go on group dates as well. (as soon as i marry an englishman,...haha) so i'm older now, and i know that relationships change, and that most guy-gurl friendships either result in one of the individuals liking the other, dating, or flirting, or a break up. however, i'm glad to know that some of them may go through a few of those stages, but that in the end, i've managed to walk away with 2 solid christian guy friends who are able to be incorporated into my life in the future i believe, and that makes me smile. if you're wondering who the 2 boys are you're not going to get any closer to knowing after reading this blog, sorry about that, but i think if the reader knew it wouldn't be as fun anyways.

part of the fun of life is to always wonder what the other is thinking; to ponder the mystery of things. i'm definitely not as mysterious as i used to be, but i always hold onto what i can.

so, my twin sister is getting married, yes, in december. she's completely in love, and he as well. they're really great for each other, though i haven't seen him yet, and i never thought my twin would be engaged without that happening, but that shows you how life can just pass you by sometimes. i felt really guilty at first actually when i was in london-because i was missing the lives of those i loved and cared for, family and friends. i've learned though to make the most of the times i do have with them, and to remember that there are seasons in life, and i believe this season in my life i am to be in london. still not sure if i'll stay past december, as i know that the job i'm doing in london--is not only physically draining, but emotionaly draining. its gotten to the point that i'm recovering during the weekends, instead of enjoying the weekends in london. so, i'm going to go back with a refreshed mindset i feel, which will help a lot.

so to end,since i'm very tired after a long day and its close to 2:30am, i'm really in love with where i live in good old north tonawanda. i'd never thought i'd say that before i left for london, as i was darn right tired of it at that point!:) not to say i hate london because i don't, but i'm not a big city gurl, and yet i'm able to deal with living in london for this season of my life. and, yes, you can never say never i guess, but more than likely, i won't end up living in a big city long term.
one of the number one questions people ask me, is do i travel while in england. have i been to spain, france, germany, switzerland. so, if you wanted to ask me that too; i'll answer it! i've been to wales, and nowhere else except a few cities outside of london. i do want to travel one day, however, i want to go at the right time and with the right people/person, and i don't feel i will travel really for the rest of this year at least, and probably not for another year. most people i know will go to places, and i even had a friend from australia who would travel by herself. i don't enjoy looking at things unless i have someone to look with me. part of the thrill of traveling is to share the experience for me, with someone else. to make a memory while traveling. to both be amazed and to look at the other person's reaction to different sites. i'm all about that. so, until i feel that peace and have the right perhaps, person, to go with, i'll be in central london, perhaps covent garden area, having a good time in the mean time.

i think i'm starting to ramble. i must be tired. ;) this post is pretty confusing, and i think i didn't accurately discuss the title of the post, but another time.

( at least i updated my blog, as i've been told to do!;) )

God bless my lovely friends, amber

sweetness, fear, and hilarity

2006-12-29T21:42:00.000-08:00

so i'm really in transition. ! (more to be said if you know me....)

so i found this really good christian band .......leeland. they have very worshipful/truthful/brilliant lyrics. i'm going to give my housemates each a burned copy of this(ooooh....i'm a sinner!) check them out.

so i came home for christmas. i'm home now. its been good, very good to say the least. yet, i know i must go back to london and live out what God has for me there. it is still in transition in many ways.

can i just randomly say i love my family. ok, thanks. i love my family! i'm so blessed by them. i believe and know God blesses each person in many different ways. i'm thankful that i'm blessed in the way of a tight knit family. we've gotten so much closer over the last year or so. lovely.

so at spot coffee tonite, after our family partay, my sisters and my lovely and beautious cousing charissa went out. we were having some good talks, and sarcastic jokes along the way, when all of a sudden we realised that the couple next to us that was talking(a boy and girl) had quite the predicament going on. this one dude came up my cuz said, and stood behind them, and stared at the gurl and said, " are you ready to go, let's go...you done with your internet date?" "did you meet this guy online?" the gurl, replied "i'm not ready....and maybe i did meet him online". well...........there were words exchanged, and it was very busy tonite at spot, but i got this feeling, and glimpse of something more than just a heated and unusual situation. i could talk forever about people, and how crazy it is the way they act sometimes. but, i was struck more by the fact that i couldn't even imagine a life that would mirror what just happened,......its like we get these glimpses into the lives of others. we see control at its high point, we see insecurity, we see foolishness ..........it just amazed me how silly the whole situation was, and it makes me want to just relax, and chill...and trust God with my life.....instead of trusting myself, and my own efforts. that boy ended up chasing after this gurl as she walked away from her online date. it also makes you realise the cliche.....that yuo can't make someone love you. as hard asyou try. in fact, often the act of forcing or controlling pushes others much farther away. but i suppose we all realise others problems ahead of our own. ironic!

so i hope you enjoyed that twist of events ! it was quite the surreal life to me, as i was watching!

goodness. well a few more interesting things about london before i leave:

-tubes: you can't live with them, can't live without em in london. mid decenmber, it was sad because 2 individuals near my home in london jumped in front of the tube(both different locations), ending their own lives. the one time i was on a tube headed back to my home, and the tube was suspended(not running anymore) due to "someone being under the track at ....." which basically means..they're dead! they have to obviously clean up the body/etc etc. im still fascinated by suicide. it strikes that eerie chord.

- it isn't always rainy! im' so tired of hearing that its always misty or rainy. whatever. its not that bad. it does get light though around 7:30 and dark around 3:30/4pm. but i'm used to it by now, and don't mindit! it is also more sunny than most think it would be in london. or so i've observed so far.

-london is soo fashionable......and yis, this is true. however, you can still get away with dressing down which i was told you couldn't. naturally though, and not even really consciously, i'm just adapting myself to my environment, as i am dressing more proper, and lady-like. i'm slowly growing out of the emo fad........haha.....i was really more artsy for awhile, and i'd still like to continue that......i just am more properly artsy if that makes sense. watch out...it'll be the new trend.

;)

-london in general it seems doesn't do christmas up like i thought. next year i'd like to spend christmas perhaps(or a few days following up to it!) in a city outside of london where there are cobblestone streets, horse drawn carriages and snow! there are these places in england, and someone mentioned to me about one. its definitely gorgeous!

i'm tired..................long day...............

thanks jesus..........keep trusting Him y'all. my life is so uncertain, yet its so certain with Jesus in my life. i'm thankful that He has made me oh so new, and given me oh so much, when i'm so undeserving.

;)

much love to you all, and happy new year!

amber

i have arrived.

2006-11-26T14:16:00.000-08:00

so i've made it. i'm here. in england. its all quite surreal, still. and i'm 2 weeks in.

part of the reason i'm keeping a blog is for a selfish reason...for myself. haha. its kinda cool to see your progress as a person over time, and sometimes i honestly forget how far i've come. right now in life i feel like in some ways i'm 100 steps ahead, and in other areas, as though i'm only a child, learning how to walk. its scary, this world. let me explain, without getting too revealing!

present realities; i'm realizing more and more how unready i am to jump into relationships with others in general, not just romantically. when you leave home, everything is magnified 100 times it seems, especially when you are in a different culture altogether. its like u feel as though ur just coming to grips with all of the ghosts you've kept in your closet, so to speak. i also feel right now that my typing is definitely different than how i would say this if i was actually having a conversation with someone about this, but anyways!

i'm definitely adjusting slowly, and not as quick as i'd hoped. i honestly realised(english spelling!), that this is how i deal with change: I don't deal with it, until it is actually happening. How lovely to know this now. haha. Case and point. I was leaving for england on the 11th of november, and it only hit me that i was leaving really the day of. yis i had been talking about it, and yis i was excited for a new adventure, and yis, God wants me here now. but, the hardest part about leaving, was leaving my home....which is my family. i've grown so close to my family in the past few months as a result of many of my life events, that its almost incredible. i'm so thankful for that. my family has seen the worst parts of me, and they still love me and that feels amazing. it reminds me so much of how God is with us. gosh darn, i don't deserve it. okay, where was i.......ya, so i left my comforts of home. i honestly can say that i'm living much more in poverty now than i ever have. and by that i mean that: the house i live in has a mouse, and my room is just big enough for my bed, and the carpet looks like it hasn't been replaced since they invented carpet. but, nevertheless, i'm living in an old english "house"....if you want to call it a house. haha. but, what i'm trying to say is life is hard. i have no job yet in social work, i've went on 2 interviews so far, and maybe i'll find out this coming week if i will get the one position, ......i'm making new friends here while not remembering how i ever made friends in teh first place. i find it again much easier to make friends with guys, which i know is not what i ultimately want, because i definitely know i'll need close gurls here to help me in this part of my life.

things are also changing in other areas of my life, too many to count, but i feel a bit stagnant yet overwhelmed all at once. sundays are always hard as well....as it is a family day back home.

so im' 24, wanting to be back in elementary school, wanting to still play oustide late in the summertime, and not have a care in the world, while at the same time, i want to feel more grown up and independent...as i make my parents proud.

this blog is a combobulation if i ever knew one. i'll write more when i've got things under control and figured out in my lil head.

enjoy.

my prayer: God, please guide me during this time of complete transition. i want to feel Your guidance and love, and allow me to spread the love u have given me with those u place in my path each day.

cheers,
amber

on the road again...

2006-11-09T13:44:00.000-08:00

so i'lll be leaving saturday. craziness. i'm surprised how calm i am now. its unreal. i hope i'm always this calm in england. that would be wonderful.

i will be studying a ton for my interviews for awhile, and then going on an interview soon. it was good to see all of my friends before i left. i feel real closure in leaving buffalo. its like the perfect time to leave. i got to also see my aunt's at breakfast today, and they were so encouraging and excited to see me venture out. all of the chapter's here are closing, but i know new one's will be opening in england. i have so much to learn, and i'm so naive to many things, that i know i will come back changed. and that's exciting as well as scary.

i will speak next....when i am in england!!!!!!!!!!!

if anyone wants to be on my list serv while i am in england and receive my pix's and thoughts every now and again, please let me know your email

ciao

amber

bad day.......yet, intriguing movie.

2006-10-20T20:03:00.000-07:00

so..........its not that today was "bad". its just one of those days with ugly feelings attached. the weather, i worked...it was kinda "blah" at work, my mood is 'eh', and then i get an email from one of the individuals who is helping me to set up interviews in england. and shes telling me i may want to move out of london....and interview, that this is probably a good option. well, i guess i'm just fighting my own desires about that one. i mean, in the end, if its not meant to be, .....ya. i'll be praying tonight and seeking God about this. i've just had my heart set on living IN london. but, i know, this may not be the option God wants for me. and, of course I want what God wants, because that's what is best in the end.

the real reason i felt inspired to write something new in this here blog(which is my only connection now to the online world, i.e. i no longer have facebook account!)......is that i was watching 20/20 tonite, (yes, i watch that!), and i was completely fascinated and intrigued by a new documentary that is about to come out next friday i believe. it is called "the bridge", and will only be played at select locations, which probably means the south campus dipson theatre only. anyways........its about the suicides that take place every year at the san francisco golden gate bridge. every year, due to the easy accessibility, as one factor, individuals see this as an easy way out, since they will die most likely in 4 seconds. i say most likely because, there are FEW that survive, and it depends on the way they hit the water mostly....if they go head first they will die for sure, but if perhaps they land with their feet, and are vertical,......well, then they MAY have a chance.....may. i'm not a good storyteller. let me continue. this film, again, "the bridge" is VERY controversial. in the yaer 2004, from january 2004-dec 2004, cameras were rollling non-stop. however, the police, authorities in the area, etc were not notified that the cameras were filming for a documentary film. the reason for this being that if others knew this was taking place, it could create an atmosphere of increased suicides...which makes complete sense to me. the creator behind the film, eric steel, seems very intellectual, and is seeking to bring a new discussion of suicide to the table, as well as to emphasize, in a raw, and honest way, that something needs to be done to secure this bridge more so that people are unable to commit suicide. during the year 2004, he captured 23 of the 24 suicides. this film is very controversial, and has received a lot of negative press.

yes, this documentary shows them as well, but it also shows six of the families, and interviews them, often as a way to understand why these suicides may have happened. its absolutely chilling to me. tonite, they showed clips and some of the stories of those that committed suicide. they were so casual. so nonchalent from a distance,.....all different ages, looks, etc....

the camera crew however were first humanitarians......and second, camera operators....they would call the bridge security if they saw anyone who looked as though they were going to commit suicide. they notified them right away. bridge security are on bikes, so that they will be able to reach an individual faster as well, just to note. they were able to save 6 lives during the course of the year. again, 23 unfortunately were captured jumping.

hearing some of the stories already behind the jumps is remarkable. words fall short in this post, unfortunately, because the images that were seen had a million different ideas to me behind it.......to see a man who was pacing back and forth, with long hair.......casually observing the view, as most tourists do, and then after a long period of time, just standing up and falling backwards into death....................(no words)

these are the people i want to help. these are the ones that we are called to reach out to. i am excited to see this documentary, not just because i think its interesting, but because i long to help and understand those who are at extreme despair. i desire to guide them to light.......even if just to see the possibility that light does exist amidst so much darkness. this sounds corny...............but again, words are falling short i suppose.

i will end by encouraging y'all to see this documentary. (which will be at the south campus theatre i'm assuming by next friday) and to say that sometimes the thing that was intended to connect( the san francisco golden gate bridge), does the exact opposite......

musical inspirationssss as of recent.

2006-09-23T16:49:00.000-07:00

ok. besides music, i absolutely loveeeeeeee fall. it is so symbolic to me in so many ways, but more than that it's a time of good memories from the past, and new one's to come. i love the ambience of it, --the leaves, apple pie(now the raw food apple pie crust!), hot apple cider smell, jumping in the leaves....pumpkins, hayrides,......don't get me started. not to mention i love fall fashions. but the previous is a not a reason for me writing this post.

i actually have tons of time to write,since i work a lot in a group home, with 2 older men who basically like to relax a lot and do their own thing at times.....which creates time for me to write! for example, i'm working right now, yet i have the rest of the night to relax really.....pretty nice job overall :)

anyways.....i wanted to share with those of you who read this, which perhaps is only one or two...haha...that jeff buckley is absolutely brilliant, as they would say in england! oh my. i'm serious. his songs have struck such a beautiful chord in my life. they are beautifully done, as well as lyrically inspiring, despite their undertone of negative influence(i.e. relationship difficulties, breakups, etc.) it is amazing to me how i was in such a musical dry spell, and then i find him!
also...i got hillsong london's new cd, and dvd.....they have such amazing worship songs. I like the song "lord of all" a lot......and "jesus is". they really sound more like a band in most of their songs, as opposed to sounding very worshipy...if that is a word. :) i reccommend their album as well!
and. finally, i got a cd by a band name "fair"......"the best and worst case scenario" is the album name. i must say, they are rock/poppy/melodic(and that's the best i get with describing genres...i suck at it!)..but they are really beautiful sounding, especially their choruses.....very good melodic tones. its really pretty and fun. i like them for different, fun moods :)

music is great. and imogen heap is also great. i downloaded some of her stuff recently.....and i like like. i've been a big fan of frou frou....and now i like her(she's the gurl infrou frou).

conclusion: i'm experiencing life newly, with my music and new positive outlook and eating habits, and i feel wonderful. i am ready and excited to go to london. i got my registration in the mail yesterday, and i am able to work their for up to 3 years. we will see how long i do!;) ahh.......life is fun when it's mysterious sometimes. i need to remember that always:)

ciao my peeps....Jesus is great.

amber

combobulationof thoughts.

2006-09-14T08:57:00.000-07:00

so i was watching oprah the other day, and it was a repeat. bummer, but i hadn't seen the whole thing last time. the guy who checked in two of the terrorists (2 who were going to hijack the plane into the 2nd(i believe)world trade center tower). he had been working as an airport security guard for quite some time. he said tho he never saw a man with such hate and emptiness in his eyes before. he said he got a chill when he talked to him. he was so cold and empty. and hateful looking amidst it all. this man knew that the security guard had his boarding passes, and could give them to him. however, they had a stare down, and the security guard made the two men go through one more security check, despite the fact that they answered all of the "security questions" appropriately. and then....

they were checked out by a gurl. a younger gurl. she let them on. but what was shocking is that i never knew this...but afterwards.....after the planes crashed in the world trade center, after all hell broke loose, and then after it all settled inour hearts, this young gurl felt so guilty and horrible that she took her own life soon after 9/11. now, this security guard on oprah is living with the guilt of knowing that he put these men through another check, and the security guard who let them through committed suicide as a result.

noone should be blamed in this situation but those 2 men. its just amazing to me. the mindset. i'm fascinated in an intriguing, yet terribly disgusted and intolerable way at how their hate would cause them to not only kill others, but to also kill themselves and render their bodies and minds tosuch a scary, horrible, and torturous death.

but.....the security man who was on the show was talking about how the one guy,not the one who looked so empty and hateful, but the other one.....how this man was different in that he waslaughing, smirking, joking......it was the inference of the security guard that he may havenot known he was going to DIE that day.

this has been looked into, and it is speculation actually. It is considered a possibility that some of the men knew that they would hijack the plane, but not lose their lives. they may have been told thatthey would go and land somewhere perhaps, and demand things, or kill individuals perhaps, but not lose their own lives. can u imagine that as well? the betrayal of the men who actually KNEW what was going to happen. it was almost like they were more "spiritual", more "muslim" and they decided that they would not share their "elite knowledge" with the others, but instead CONTROL the situation by being silent and then in fact betraying their "close companions",....or perhaps to them.....they were doing what was BEST for them. killing. murder. terrorizing. its all so much like a movie to me.

i mean, do we really get it? i don't think we will. ever. on this earth. how can you? you can't fully grasp feelings that have never arisen inside of you to that degree before. we can't ever really grasp that there are terrorists. we can grasp the events to a certain extent, but not the emotions and feelings behind them. i tried. its too overwhelming. because then we try to find out WHY.

i'm kinda sick of social work inthat respect. let me explain. in social work, if i'm counseling someone who is abusing someone, lets say physically. well, then its because they were either sexually or physically abused when they were younger, and/or their parents were physically abusive to one another. there is always a justification. you can always find something wrong inour past that isn't right. but i am beyond the point of believing that what someone else did to me, or what happened to me, willshape my future to such a negative degree. its like everything is because of something else and we don't really have too much choice anymore. we have so much choice. more than we ever realize. sure, our feelings maynot always coincide, but we have choices that can be made to diminish those as well.

anyways. getting back to oprah's show.....i am still shocked at the world. i'm still amazed by the evil. i willnever fully understand the evil and hatred,but just to realize how absolutely ridiculous it is..........allows me to realize more that there is a greater evil, that I know to be the devil who is behind this movement everyday. placing thoughts into our minds and creating situations that will test us. now, i'm not a terrorist, but i still experience negative thoughts. we all do. God is stronger, so much stronger.

on that note,i have much more to say...but i had a brain lapse. i forgot a thought. maybe i'm getting old. oh know..:( 24 going on 60. sometimes i feel like that.

more to come...
ciao
amber

i think i'll like this

2006-08-22T06:48:00.000-07:00

well, if y'all don't know by now...............

i'm moving to england!(for up to 2 years...longer, who knows?!) i'll be doing social work over there. i think this will be an awesome way to stay in touch with people, and to have them stalk me by reading this here blog. secret stalking is the daw gawn best eh! no, but on the real, i'm way excited about going, and i intend for this blog to be a memoir as well as an insightful "journal" into what i am contemplating in my mind. often i find that i am in deep insight at points when i just can't share it with anyone, perhaps due to the fact that i'm often sitting up late at night with something lurking, and festering in my lil ol mind....and noone is there to unload it. well, now i will unload some of these things from time to time, and i'm really excited about doing this, and also really excited about others responses, because i love to hear how someone else sees the same issue/circumstance/feeling. it is for this previous reason that i went into counseling. and also because God directed me there.

i hope u will all know that.........its gonna be the hottest thing since molten lava in mexico, and i want u all to give lovely feedback every once in awhile, because it is then that i am really able to deeply think about things from many angles, and grow my dear friends.

signing out ---------ciao,
purelyplumamber;)